Meditation

I’m not a Buddhist, but I do like its main idea: We suffer in life because we desire things to be a certain way. I think Buddha is right on the mark with that.

The word desire, though, can be a bit misleading because it conjures images of lusting after a woman’s body or craving a nice big piece of apple pie ala mode. That’s only a small part of what Buddha meant by desire.

It’s about preferences, not desires

What Buddhism is really saying, and what Mickey Singer teaches, is that preferences cause suffering. We prefer to get what we want (the promotion, Dom Perignon) and we prefer to not get what we don’t want (getting fired, our boyfriend breaking up with us).

Another way of expressing this is that we cling to what we prefer and resist what we don’t prefer. This is the don’t resist, don’t cling axiom of Buddhism.

Which leads us to the main item on today’s menu: Most parents, myself included, cling to and resist our kids. A lot.

How I resist my kids

How so? We parents are bigger on resisting so let’s start there. These are my own examples.

My teenage son’s hair covers his eyes so I can’t see him half the time.

Me: “You need a haircut!”

Him: “No, it’s fine. I like it.”

He’d wear shorts and a tee shirt to school every day, even when it was cold and raining. I resisted.

He gets a girlfriend. A sweet girl we really like. But not-so-deep-down I’m resisting it because I don’t think having a relationship at age 15 is healthy.

My daughter is lukewarm about playing sports, even though she’s a talented athlete. I resist that because I think she’ll miss out on a lot. She’s far more interested in studying and doing well in school. Many of you are thinking,

“Are you INSANE?! Thank your lucky stars your daughter works hard in school!”

Yes, I am insane. Parenting can have that effect…

My son, on the other hand, is not that interested in his schoolwork, something I resist to the hilt.

We also cling

We also cling to the things we prefer for our kids. Like what?

My son had a great freshman season in lacrosse last year. He was the second-leading scorer on the junior varsity team. It boosted his confidence a ton as it was the first time in his life he’d been one of the top players on any team.

Now I’m worried he’ll either get stuck on the JV team while his peers get bumped up to varsity, or they’ll bump him up to varsity and he won’t get any playing time. Bottom line: I’m clinging to the good year he had and hoping it happens again. Not good. For him or me.

So what should I do? Don’t resist, don’t cling.

There are times when we need to resist

There are obvious caveats to this. If the girlfriend said she wanted them to take off and move to a cabin in Alaska, you bet I’d resist that. Or if my daughter told me she wanted to start a marijuana business…You get the drift.

My point is that most of the stuff we resist or cling to isn’t a big deal. We resist or cling not because of our kids, but because of us. In other words, it’s about us, not them.

It’s reflexive. They do something and BOOM, we resist. At least that’s been my experience.

We cling and resist out of FEAR

Why do we do this? I can sum it up in one word: Fear. We go around every day fearing for our kids. That they won’t be smart enough, successful enough, have enough friends, and on and on.

The thing is, it’s not good for them. The model we’re giving them is to live life in fear.

“If you don’t do well on your math test, you won’t get an A, so you won’t get into a good college, so you won’t get a good job, so you won’t make any money, so you’ll be poor, become homeless and die alone in an alley…”

That’s no way to live a life.

The takeaway

So, what to do? Step one is to simply be aware. See if you can catch yourself resisting what your kids do. Then ask yourself if it makes sense to do so. Ask the key question: Is your resistance helping them?

What this all boils down to is this: We need to let our kids be who they are as much as possible. We need to let them evolve, rather than try and shape them into our preferred mold.

Sure, if your kid refuses to crack open a book, you need to do something about that. Or if they have ADHD or Dyslexia, of course, you do everything you can to help them.

But it’s my view that evolving into their authentic selves gives our kids the best chance to achieve what I think (hope!) every parent wants for them: Happiness.

And the best thing we parents can do to enhance that evolution is to not resist and not cling.

It’s my experience that most people struggle to make decisions, on matters small and large. Why they agonize is obvious, but most people don’t realize it. Understanding the underlying dynamic will help any of you who struggle on this front.

First, let’s talk about what I mean by decisions. Here are examples of “small” ones:

– Should I order the grilled pork chop or the spaghetti Bolognese?

– Should I buy the white blouse with ruffles or the simple black top?

– Should I see the latest Mission Impossible movie or Oppenheimer?

None of these decisions are going to alter your life in any major way. And yet, they still cause a slight anxious twinge in your gut.

Examples of “large” decisions would be:

– Should I marry this man/woman?

– Should I take this job offer, which would mean moving from Los Angeles to New York?

– Should I do psychiatry, orthopedics or general surgery residency after medical school?

These decisions could have massive impacts on the trajectory of your life. Thoughts of

“He’s a great guy, but what if he turns out to be an abusive jerk? He’s got a fiery temper. What if we have kids and everything goes south? My whole life will be ruined!”

Or…

“I love the weather in LA. I’ll probably get depressed if I move to New York. Then again, the people in LA are pretty superficial. Much more interesting people in New York. But I love my house in LA and if I sell now, I won’t make much on it…Blah, blah, blah.”

Or…

“Psychiatry would probably be the easiest, but I’d also make less money. Not to mention, I’d be seeing troubled people all day every day. That could be a bummer. Then again, orthopedics…blah, blah, blah…And general surgery could be blah, blah, blah, but…blah, blah, blah…”

Any of this line of thinking ring a bell with any of you? I’ll bet it does. Most of us make decisions like these and most of us struggle.

Why decisions are hard

The $64,000 question is: Why? The answer is obvious.

People struggle with decisions because they aren’t confident they’ll be “okay” if they make the “wrong” decision.

That’s all it is. “If I order the pork chop and don’t like it, it might put me in a bad mood.” “If I get the wrong blouse, I’ll feel bad when I go out wearing it.” “If I take the New York job and I hate it, my life will be ruined.”

So how should we handle this? First, let’s talk about what we DON’T do. We don’t expend energy and attention on trying to get better at making decisions by doing things like amping up our due diligence efforts, like reading everything there is to know about living in New York, etc. That’s working in the wrong area.

What do we work on in order to better handle decision-making?

Ourselves.

Yes, you read that right. The anxiety elicited by decisions comes from a lack of inner confidence.

What we need to do is get to a place where with ALL of these decisions, both big and small, we handle it from a place of, “Hmm. I’ll go with the Bolognese. And if it sucks, I’ll be fine.” “If I hate the white blouse, I’ll return it. No big deal.”

Most important is how this works on the big stuff. Like, “I think he’s the right guy for me. I can’t be 100 percent sure. But if we get married and it doesn’t work out, I’ll land on my feet. I always do.”

Handling life

That is the key to decision-making. It’s about being able to handle life.

I was lucky in this area because I learned from my mom. She was so Zen about life (I even wrote an article about her which you can find here). Her attitude was always to make the best decision you could with the information you had and then make the best of it.

This is such a great way to live! And the opposite is really tough. Agonizing. Second-guessing every move you make. It’s paralyzing.

The takeaway

The key point is that getting better at decision-making is not about getting better and more analytical in your process. It’s about lightening up and developing confidence in yourself…in life…in the Universe.

It’s about getting good at flowing with life rather than agonizing over it.

How do we become lighter so we can flow better with life and become more confident in it?

That’s easy. It’s our egos that paralyze us with fear about all these decisions. So the work lies in quieting the ego.

How? Meditate. Practice mindfulness. Do any practices that calm your mind and allow you to let go of your ego.

I hope you’ll decide to dive into these practices. Don’t overthink it.

Just do it…

First, let me be perfectly clear: When something makes my head explode, that’s a good thing. It means it blew me away.

Every now and then I come across something that Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle, Mickey Singer and a few others have said or written that goes beyond attracting my interest. Today’s quote by Ram Dass is one of those nuggets.

Without further ado, here’s what he said that made my head explode:

“Our journey is about being deeply involved in life and yet, less attached to it.”

What?! How do we become more deeplyinvolved in life by becoming less attached? Before diving in, it’s important to know that understanding this paradox is crucial for achieving spiritual growth.

Where most people trip up on this is how they perceive attachment and its opposite, non-attachment. People are attached to their blankets (as a kid), to their girlfriends, to their favorite soccer or football teams, etc.

Non-attachment isn’t not caring

They then extrapolate that out to mean that they “care” about these things. And people who don’t have any attachments must not care about anything. They’re just zombies, aimlessly plodding through life.

Not true. The truth is that attachments, or desires as they are called in Buddhism, spring from our egos. And as Buddhism’s central tenet states, all suffering emanates from these desires/attachments.

It’s also true that we can become “more deeply involved in life” the less attached we are to things. How so?

Ram Dass’s work with AIDS patients

As usual, it’s best to explain with an example, this one from Ram Dass himself. For much of the 1980s and 1990s, Ram Dass devoted considerable time and effort to counseling dying AIDS patients.

What that involved was spending countless hours alone, mostly in ugly, antiseptic hospital rooms with beeping monitors, watching men experience the worst kind of agony. Can you imagine anything more depressing?

But here’s the thing: Ram Dass did these men a great service. How? By connecting with them on a level far deeper than the physical.

Two equal souls having a talk

The way he saw it, there were two human bodies in those rooms, one healthy and one terminally ill. But there were also two souls. Two spirits. Both equal. And that is where he met these people.

While he didn’t say this, I will: The soul, spirit, life force…whatever you want to call it, is energy and energy can’t be destroyed. It lives on, even after our bodies fail.

So these sessions were merely two immortal souls having a conversation. Ram Dass said these were some of the most profound and, ironically, life-affirming experiences he ever had.

Freaking out helps no one

What did Ram Dass not do in these visits? He didn’t freak out and let the experience become a big downer.

This is an example of “being deeply involved in life.’ Can you imagine anything deeper than sitting in a room and connecting with a dying human being?

Yet Ram Dass was only able to do this because he wasn’t attached to these men’s pain. Had he walked into these rooms and collapsed in a puddle of tears, what good would that have done anybody?

Mother Teresa did the same thing

There are many examples in history of this. Mother Teresa was surrounded by poverty and suffering of the highest magnitude for decades in Calcutta. Talk about being deeply involved in life. Had she been attached to all of these suffering people, there is no chance that she could have helped so many over the years.

Ditto Martin Luther King, Jr. MLK was not an angry, bitter person. He was level-headed and poised. That equanimity served as the foundation for the strength required of him in battling for civil rights in a part of the world that desperately wanted to deny him. And it’s why he succeeded.

The takeaway

All that being said, how do we develop this non-attachment muscle such that we can become more deeply involved in life? No big surprise here. It’s about loosening our attachments, AKA, letting go of our egos.

We have all of these desires/attachments because our egos are so strong. And we weaken our egos by doing the basic practices. Things that quiet down our egoic minds and help us let go when our emotional (egoic) baggage is poked.

We practice meditation, mindfulness and letting go. Every day of every month of every year.

Commitment is a necessity

How can we ensure that we actually do these practices? We commit to trekking down this path. Without commitment, sustained practice is virtually impossible.

But these practices work. Gradually. Over time.

Eventually, we notice that we’re calmer. Lighter. Less prone to neediness.

We notice that we’re more deeply involved in life than we were before. That our life is richer.

Amen to that.

I wrote a piece last year about why Mickey Singer was my favorite spiritual teacher. The reason was simple: He’s the only one who emphasizes the need to let go of the emotional baggage we’ve accumulated over the course of our lives.

Most teachers, like another favorite of mine, Eckhart Tolle, stress the importance of being present. And they’re right. Nothing is healthier than living in the present moment, aka, being conscious. But most people, like just about everybody, say the same thing: I’d love to be present, but my mind is insanely busy!

What causes our minds to think so much?

So what Mickey does, far more than anybody I’ve encountered, is tackle the question of: What is it that prevents me from being present? Put another way, what is it that makes my mind so active? And the answer is: All that egoic baggage we’ve stored is the cause; letting it go is the solution.

Long story short, letting go of this stuff is central to becoming more conscious/living in the present moment.

That being the case, I’m always on the lookout for ways to assist in that letting go process. Because it isn’t easy. Far from it.

The Crème Brulee brouhaha

If you have body image issues and somebody suggests you order the fruit cup rather than the crème brulee for dessert, the emotion that arises will be difficult to let go of. You’ll do everything in your power to either push it away or attack the person who offended you.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article (link) about dealing with a painful piece of baggage as we would a muscle knot in our back during massage — instead of pushing it away, as we normally do, I suggested breathing through the pain and staying present with it.

This week’s letting go aide also involves a muscle metaphor, but in a different way. A knot in the back is something we want to work directly on so that it will smooth out, sort of like kneading bread.

The pulled hamstring analogy

Not so with an actual muscle injury. If we pull a hamstring muscle, a physical therapist won’t normally work directly on that muscle. What they’ll do is stretch and massage the muscles around the injured one. Doing so will allow the injured muscle to relax and loosen up.

It’s the same when we encounter an emotional “injury” like the person ordering the crème brulee. That person doesn’t want to dive in and massage or stretch that injury directly.

What’s the emotional equivalent of direct involvement in the injury? That would be saying inside, “Oh God, that’s too painful. Just ignore it and move on.” That’s just suppressing it.

Or they could go the opposite direction and say, “Go F*#K yourself! I’ll order whatever the hell I want!” That would be expressing the emotion which, while healthier than suppressing, still doesn’t let go of it.

Relax around the injury

The healthiest response is to relax around the feeling. We can feel these painful emotions just like we can an injured muscle. And it’s usually in a specific area. I feel most of my emotions in my gut/stomach.

So what we do is relax around the area of the emotional pain. And then what? Then we do our best to remain relaxed and not allow ourselves to either suppress or express the pain.

Relaxing around the painful feeling has the same effect as it does on the injured muscle — it allows it to loosen, break free and rise up.

And loosening and allowing a piece of egoic baggage (or Samskara as Mickey Singer and the ancient yogis refer to it) to break free and rise up is the highest work we can do. Why? Because if we do it enough, we’ll find ourselves living presently, no longer burdened by our thought factory minds. Wouldn’t that be nice?

The takeaway

Try using this image of leaning away and relaxing around your egoic injury/feeling. Loosen up as much as possible the area around the painful feeling.

Just as with an injured muscle, the feeling will loosen up, but only if you refrain from diving in and engaging with it.

Relax and let it go. It’s a mantra to live by.

A goldmine for writers is taking an accepted truth and calling bullshit on it. This usually creates controversy. Why? Because if something is accepted as truth by most people, they don’t want you upending their truth. But that’s what I’m doing today.

One accepted truth, especially here in America, is that being opinionated is a good thing. It means you’re strong. That you’re passionate. That you care about things.

But there’s another side to this. I can sum it up in one word: Ego.

Most of the time we express a strongly held opinion, that passion emanates from the ego’s need to feel ‘right.’ Further, it’s ‘I’m right and you’re wrong.’

I’ve heard Eckhart Tolle talk about this several times in past years. Here’s his take on it:

“There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right. Being right is identification with a mental position — a perspective, an opinion, a judgement, a story. For you to be right, of course, you need someone else to be wrong, as so the ego loves to make wrong in order to be right.”

I was surprised when I first heard him say this. Why? Because I was part of that majority who holds that being opinionated is a good thing.

But I liked hearing this take from Eckhart. Why? Because I have a peculiar history with this subject.

Squashed like a bug at the dinner table

I grew up the youngest of six kids and my siblings were anything but wallflowers. They, and my parents, felt strongly about matters, big and small.

Our dinner table was loud and raucous, and as the youngest, I found it difficult to get a word in. When I did try to voice my view, I often got trampled on by one of my siblings.

Throwing in the towel

So at one point, probably around age seven or eight, I gave up. It wasn’t so much a “Wah, wah! I hate you and I’m not going to try anymore!” It was more a function of laziness. I didn’t want to go to the trouble of muscling my way into conversations.

So what did I do instead? I listened. A lot.

It’s one of those quirks of fate that carried on into my adult life. I’ve always been the type who did more listening than talking. But had I been the oldest child, I’m sure I would have become more opinionated and assertive in making sure my voice was heard. The vagaries of life.

For most of my adulthood I felt that this listening rather than “opining” thing was weak. That I was being passive.

Becoming a listener rather than a talker

But the further I travel on the spiritual path, the more it’s dawned on me that I lucked out on this one. Because Eckhart is right: The passionate pushing of views is all ego. It’s “I’m right, you’re wrong.”

And anybody who knows anything about true wisdom knows that the deepest beings of history have recommended listening over talking. Heard any of these?

“Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know.” Tao te Ching

“If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.” Mark Twain

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” Dalai Lama

Which isn’t to say that having views and beliefs about things is bad. Of course not. I have views about Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, abortion, capital punishment, parenting, the PGA Tour vs. LIV Golf and thousands of other matters.

The takeaway

What this is about is having to be right. And if there’s anything I hope you take away from this piece it’s that you be on the lookout for when that “I’m right!” muscle flexes inside you. We all know what that feels like.

Then just be aware of it. Feel it. Don’t tangle with it or engage with it. Just feel it…

Then let it go.

It’s fine to let people know your views. But it’s ego if you feel the need to prove yourself right.

And the work of our lives lies in letting go of our egos.

So use your opinion/arguing sessions as opportunities to let go…

PS — I’m 100% sure I’m right about all of this so don’t even think about trying to prove me wrong in the comments section. :-)

Guru is a word I would have frowned on ten years ago, before I dove into all this spiritual stuff. It would’ve conjured images of glassy-eyed devotees blindly worshipping some long-bearded guy in a flowing robe who was taking advantage of them financially, or worse.

I don’t feel that way now. Sure, there are some crackpots out there who call themselves gurus but who are really charlatans.

My fave guru, Neem Karoli Baba

But there have been some great ones. I’ve written a few articles (links here, here and here) about Neem Karoli Baba, the guru of Ram Dass. I’m looking at him right now as his photo sits on my desk, right next to one of Ram Dass.

This guy was the real deal. I haven’t tackled in depth in any article how and why he’s so amazing. I’ve simply found it too daunting. Someday I will.

But today’s article isn’t about Neem Karoli Baba or any other guru. It’s about the greatest guru of all:

Life.

What do I mean by life? Everything that happens to us. From the people in our lives to a tree falling on our car to watching the sun set over the ocean.

Before getting to life as guru, let’s first examine what a guru is. A guru is someone who helps us grow spiritually. Who helps us liberate ourselves from ourselves.

And there is no one person who does a better job of that than life itself.

Why is that? Because unless we’re living in a desert cave, life constantly challenges us. It pushes our buttons. It holds a mirror up to us that says, “This is what you need to let go of.” Every damn day.

Here are some examples, of the small, medium and venti variety…

SMALL: You’re driving home from work and you hit five red lights in a row. When you hit the sixth, you scream and smash your hands against the steering wheel. This is life teaching you to be in the moment and not constantly waiting for future moments — “I just want to get home! Those moments will be great. But these moments waiting at red lights SUCK!”

MEDIUM: Your girlfriend keeps talking to you about how she wants to deepen your relationship. Spend more time together. This sends your insides into a frenzy of panic. Which is a good thing. Why? Because your mother suffocated you in childhood. Helicoptering you. On you about everything. Never leaving you alone. Your girlfriend has been sent by life to stir this egoic baggage up so that you can deal with it. And let go of it. Because that baggage is weighing you down and needs to go.

VENTI: (The biggie.) COVID hit and stopped the entire planet. People died. Millions of shops and restaurants went out of business. Parents had kids at home 24/7. All because some bat in Wuhan, China, bit some hapless exotic animal that was then consumed by a customer at an outdoor market.

This was life telling every single one of us: ‘You can’t control everything so stop trying. Live your life in the moment and do your best with what the Universe has in store for you. Control freak-ness is a losing strategy!’

The takeaway

What’s the point of all this? Let life be your teacher. And yes, your guru.

Look at everything life throws your way as an opportunity to let go and grow.

I write a lot about approaches to living life. Most of the time it’s of a spiritual bent, i.e., don’t look OUT to the world to heal what ails you inside. Look inside to heal what ails you inside.

Today’s approach to life is more of a practical/pragmatic variety. It’s about maximizing the good while minimizing the bad. What does that mean?

I’ll use my life to illustrate. When I was in my twenties and thirties, I was single. As I reached my upper twenties, I started to make some decent money.

Single and free

There was tons of upside to this life, spent mostly in Washington, D.C. It was mostly about one word: Freedom. I had zero attachments.

How did I take advantage of this state of affairs? In other words, how did I maximize this life situation? Let me count the ways…

Because I started making some money and had only me to spend it on, I did some spending. Not crazy spending. I’m not the Porsche, Gucci loafers kind of guy.

But I did buy a nice townhouse just north of Georgetown. And I put a hot tub in the back area (more on that later!).

Steaks and Sea Bass

There was a high-end grocery store called Sutton Place Gourmet literally 200 paces from my place (yes, anal me counted it once). I’d go there and buy Chilean Sea Bass, prime steaks, and all kinds of great produce.

But what’s good food without good wine? So I dove into the wine world, head first. I’d go to MacArthur Beverage, where wine God Robert Parker got his start, and buy cases of Bordeaux and the like.

My lobbying friend Bob always accused me of getting into wine solely to impress women. Which was, mostly, untrue. Though I’m not going to lie, making a woman a nice soy-marinated salmon with a good bottle of Sonoma Pinot Noir never hurt one’s chances of getting another date.

Fun in the hot tub

Back to the hot tub. I could write a whole article on this but suffice it to say that it became legendary in DC. We, mostly my friend John and I, had some amazing parties there after nights out on the town. But like Las Vegas, what happened at the hot tub stayed at the hot tub, so on we go to…

Travel. When one is single with a little extra cash, one travels. At least I did. I went to Israel for two weeks and toured the most historic area in human history. The Wall. The Dead Sea. The sunrise at Masada. Portugal for the World Expo.

And the Cannes Film Festival in 1998. We went to the Hotel du Cap for drinks where we saw Bruce Willis, Brooke Shields, Sharon Stone, and Winona Ryder.

A brush with the infamous Harvey Weinstein

True story. End of the night, after waiting forever and a day at the top of the stairs of the hotel entrance for our cab, it finally rolls up. At the bottom of the stairs Harvey Weinstein, with two Waify models in tow, heads for our cab. At which point I, who was slightly inebriated, yelled out, “HARVEY! Don’t you dare take our cab!”

He looks up at me, then says to the woman, “Who is that? I don’t know who that is…” We ran down the steps, got in our cab, and skedaddled. I knew back then that he was an awful guy, but not as awful as we all learned two decades later.

Minimizing the downsides of my single life

Alright, enough reminiscing about my good old single days. Let’s get into the minimize part of this life strategy.

I was single. Had decent money. And not responsible for anyone but me. Sounds great, right? And it was. But it wasn’t perfect.

What was missing? It can get lonely being single. Yes, I had a few long-termish girlfriends (6–12 months), but more often than not, I was single.

So how did I minimize this part of my life that was lacking? I got good at making sure I was seeing friends on weekends. I also stayed, and still do, in close touch on the phone with my family and some close friends from college. All this was in service of making sure I had regular human contact, something essential when one is single.

Marriage and kids

Now we take a 180-degree turn where my life flipped the other way. Remember those wacky, fun nights I mentioned? Well, in March of 2000, I met my wife on one of those.

We got married in 2005, had kids in 2008, 2010, and 2016, and here we are in 2023, one big, loud, boisterous, funny, and incredibly fortunate family.

What are the positives of this time of life that I try to maximize? They’re obvious. I have a lot of people around me. People who mean a lot to me.

So I go to tons of sporting events. Serve as an unpaid chauffeur, shuttling kids to practices, fast-food runs, friends’ houses, and the beach.

Dinners and Gerky Specials

I have fun making dinner every night, catching the news, and sipping a Gerky Special (vodka with fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice) as I go along.

I take my six-year-old to the beach (fifteen minutes away) and watch her have a fabulous time. Play tennis with my thirteen-year-old daughter. And watch my son play in most of his lacrosse games.

My wife and I have also had a blast making friends with the parents of our kids’ friends. We party together. Laugh together. Bitch and moan together. It has been one of the pleasant surprises of having kids.

Doesn’t sound as fun or exciting as my previous life, does it? But I wouldn’t trade it for the previous one for all the tea in China.

A better life by far

Why? Because my old life was all about me. My current life is far from it. Any of you with kids knows this. If it’s not a universal truth, it’s damn near it: People are generally happier the less they focus on themselves and the more they give their attention to others.

The downsides to this life are obvious. It’s hard for me to pick up and travel somewhere. I can. And I do. But it’s generally trips of three or four days, not two weeks. And I’m not heading to Paris for a four-day trip.

Kids and families cost a lot of money, too. So no more expensive wines. And I can’t remember the last time I had Chilean Sea Bass.

Not to mention, kids screaming at each other, or at me, or vice-versa, drives me crazy. Ditto wives.

But again, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.

The takeaway

The key to this approach to life is to be hyper-focused on the positive side of what your situation offers. If you’re single, take advantage and go out and have fun. Travel. Play the field in your romantic life. Be spontaneous. And do your best to cultivate friendships to offset the lonely times.

If you’re married with kids, cherish those relationships. Reap the profound benefits that come from a life based on love and unselfishness.

Bottom line: Put a ton of attention on avoiding a ‘grass is greener on the other side of the pasture’ life.

“If only I was married and had kids I’d be so happy…”

Or

“Man I wish I was single again and could chase any woman I wanted and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to…”

No. Don’t allow yourself to live in the moan zone.

Employ this life strategy and you’ll find that the grass under your feet is plenty green.

As I write this first sentence, my biggest fear is that my head will explode by the time I finish this. This ain’t gonna be an easy one, folks.

But this topic is so central that I am willing to put billions of innocent brain cells on the line. You’re welcome.

Alright, enough complaining. Onto the show…

When most people think of spiritual growth, they view it in terms of something that is attained. We could also use the word achieved. And we could frame spiritual growth in terms of something we strive for.

What kinds of things do we do thinking they will help us attain this growth? We meditate. Practice Mindfulness. Surrender. Let go. Pray. And do manifold other spiritual practices.

We already have what we’re striving for

But the truth is this: There is nothing to attain. Why? Because that state we’re striving to attain already exists within us. And we can’t attain something we already have.

That being the case, the spiritual path comes down to one endeavor: Realizing the conscious self that already exists within us. That’s it. Game, set, match.

The preceding few paragraphs form the core of a slew of teachings of spiritual masters. I would include Eckhart Tolle among that group.

Ramana Maharshi and self-realization

But it was the 20th century Indian yogi Ramana Maharshi who is most credited for teaching that self-realization need be the only pursuit of spiritual seekers. He taught that everything would come from merely realizing the true ‘I’ inside us.

The obvious question is, how do we come to realize who we are? What it comes down to is removing the obstacles that shroud our ability to realize this self.

We’re not adding anything. We’re subtracting those things that lead us to believe in our false selves. Essentially, we’re burning off the fog that prohibits us from seeing our true ‘I’.

Subtracting the ego

What is that false self? Mostly, it’s the ego — all those fears, insecurities and sensitivities that we build up from early childhood into adulthood.

But that false self is also believing that you are your body, your role (mom, dad), your job (astronaut, accountant, minister, professional tennis player)…None of that is true.

We are the consciousness underlying all of those things.

Ramana Maharshi’s only technique

And how do we remove all those egoic layers shrouding our true, conscious selves? Ramana Maharshi’s one and only technique was to meditate over and over on the question: “Who am I?”

The goal isn’t to answer the question, but to ponder the silence that follows. It is within that silence that we come to realize who we are.

We also do some or all of the practices I listed above: Meditate, practice mindfulness, let go and all the rest. The difference is, we do those practices in order to shed the ego, not to attain some distant, difficult spiritual state.

The subtle diff

Therein lies the subtle difference between attainment and realization. Now do you understand why I thought my head might explode on this one?

I’m going to err on the side of brevity on this piece because diving further into explaining and analyzing the nuances of this concept will only serve to complicate the matter…Not to mention destroy my ever-dwindling supply of brain cells.

The takeaway

Two points I hope you’ll take away from this article.

First, I hope you’ll realize that you’re already at the end of the path. Your true, conscious self is already there. To realize that reality, look inside, not outside.

Second, realize that this is great news. You don’t need to go to the four corners of the Earth trying to attain some grand spiritual state.

It’s already within you.

I returned to Mickey Singer’s Temple of the Universe this past weekend after visiting back in March. Before describing this trip, here’s a quick recap of that March trip.

In a word, it was amazing. I’d let Mickey’s people know that I’d written several articles about his teachings and also gave my background. My hope was to have a quick introduction and maybe talk for a minute.

That request turned into an hour and a half walk around the Temple grounds wherein we talked about Ram Dass, Ramana Maharshi, my crazy (fun) kids and everything under the sun. We even went into his house and chatted in his living room for a while.

Thrilled to be asked on another walk

Then the next morning, after the daily one-hour chant he does of the Sri Atma Gita, he asked me to join two of his associates on another walk. I was flabbergasted. And honored. And tickled. And thrilled.

But that wasn’t all. After that walk, Mickey invited me to have dinner at the big house next to the Temple with his group that lives on the property. I couldn’t believe it. I was pinching myself.

High as can be

Bottom line: I was high as a kite. This man, who is my favorite spiritual teacher, met me and brought me into the fold. It was deeply gratifying.

Which brings me to this week’s trip and the invaluable gift that Mickey gave me. What was that gift?

He ignored me.

Say what?!

You read that right. Let me explain.

My first interaction with him came on Sunday morning after his talk when the whole group (around 100 people) gathers on a large grass field outside the Temple. They serve tea and cookies and Mickey chats with people and signs books.

Deflated in the book sign line

I stood in a short line to have him sign a copy of my favorite book of his, The Surrender Experiment. One of his close associates, Stephanie, was standing there and said, “Mickey, you remember David?” He looked up at me and said, “Yes.” Then he leaned over and signed my book.

And that was that. On to the next book. There was no, “David! Welcome back. Can’t wait to catch up. You want to take a walk after everybody heads out?” as we’d done on my first trip.

I walked back to my room at the main Temple house feeling deflated. But it was only day one.

Sunday night I went to the short service they do and, same thing, no recognition.

After the talk, no walk

Monday morning I got my lazy butt out of bed for the 6:30–7:30 (3:30–4:40 my time!) chant of the Sri Atma Gita. Afterward, I walked out and saw Mickey, Stephanie and another Temple colleague gearing up to go on a walk, which they do every morning after this service.

On the last trip, Mickey saw me and asked whether I wanted to join them on the walk, which, of course, I jumped at. This time, I walked out, looked over at them and…Nothing.

Mondays are one of three nights that the small Temple group — Mickey, Stephanie, Donna (Mickey’s wife) and a handful of others eat dinner together in the big house where I stayed. People staying at the house are invited to these dinners so of course I went.

Small talk at the big house

I sat near Mickey at dinner where there were around eight people. I had a couple quick interactions with him, but nothing in-depth. I did make a point of telling him that I was leaving the next day and in case I missed him, wanted to thank him for an amazing stay at the Temple house.

Tuesday morning was a repeat of Monday — they all gathered to walk and didn’t give me a second look. One highlight was that right after the Sri Atma Gita service ended, I happened to walk past him inside the Temple and he looked at me and quietly said, “Come back and see us.” So he remembered my telling him the night before that I was heading out the next day.

I should add that Mickey was not the slightest bit rude to me. Or dismissive. He treated me the same way he treated the other visitors, which was with kindness and courteousness.

Wondering why he ignored me

So that’s my tale of two trips to the Temple.

The human part of me kept going to the why. Did he read something of mine that offended him? Answer: Almost zero probability because he hardly reads anything, much less my articles.

The Club Med Theory

Did he and his people simply forget about my earlier trip? This is my Club Med theory. People who work at Club Meds meet oodles of people every week. They come and they go and there’s no way they remember most of them.

Same at the Temple. People come from all over the world to see Mickey. This trip there was someone from Switzerland. Last trip someone from Germany. The Club Med theory is the most probable.

But here’s the thing: It doesn’t matter. Which gets us to the meat of the matter.

It all boils down to EGO

The reason I chose to devote an entire article to this can be summed up in one word: Ego. Because ego is the central character in this whole melodrama.

In the March trip, it was my ego that lit up like the Eiffel Tower when Mickey showered me with all that attention. I tried to fool myself into thinking it was something else by couching it in terms of, “Wow. This great spiritual teacher, my favorite in fact, saw some sort of depth and wisdom in me. That’s really profoundly good.”

In retrospect, I now realize that that was a phony reaction. It was my ego that got stroked. Period.

This week’s trip was also all about ego. Only this time it got poked instead of stroked.

The takeaway

So what does this all add up to? A valuable lesson. That we need to be ever-vigilant about not clinging to (the adulation of the March trip) or resisting (this week’s trip) the events of our lives.

Recognizing when we cling or resist is invaluable in being able to let go of the egoic baggage that is coming up. And as I’ve written many times before, letting go of that baggage is an indispensable part of liberating ourselves from ourselves…otherwise known as the spiritual path.

That is why I view the experience of these two trips as such a gift. It was like getting a cooler of ice water poured over my head, with the intention of waking me up to the egoic reality underpinning both trips.

The real stuff lay in Mickey’s talks and the services I attended which taught me to stay anchored in what this stuff is all about. Getting quiet inside. Letting go of our stuff. Chopping the wood and carrying the water. Every day.

Thanks, Mickey.

I’m writing this from my room at Mickey Singer’s Temple of the Universe in Alachua, Florida. It’s my second visit, the first being in early March. It’s been quite a trip, in more ways than one, which I’ll write about in depth later this week.

For now, I want to focus on something Mickey said in his Temple talk yesterday. He was talking about how to deal with inner disturbances.

What does he mean by inner disturbances? Some examples:

– Your parents hounded you about your weight throughout your teen years, causing you to become extremely sensitive about your body into adulthood. You’re in your 30s now, work out regularly and have a fantastic body. Nevertheless, on your third date with a guy you really like, his innocent comment about how fast you devoured your crème brulee cuts you to your core.

– You have a deep fear of abandonment due to your mom leaving the family when you were twelve years old, resulting in a history of avoiding intimate relationships. Now 35, you have a near-panic attack when your girlfriend of three months broaches the subject of moving in together.

– You developed an inferiority complex around sports because you were scrawny and unathletic as a kid. Now in your 40s, you’re a successful lawyer at a blue-chip law firm. But when you get picked last at a pickup basketball game with some of your attorney colleagues, it strikes a sore spot that deflates you.

These are all examples of painful experiences we hold onto. They just sit there, pockets of energy stuck in our lower selves, determining the course of our lives.

So what do we do about those pockets of energy, which I call emotional baggage and Mickey calls Samskaras (from the Sanskrit)? We let them go when they come up.

All three of the situations described above offer opportunities to free that energy so it can rise up. They’re opportunities to let go.

Letting go is the indispensable spiritual practice

And as I’ve written several times before and will in the future: We can do all the meditating, qi gonging and all the other spiritual practices all day long, but if we don’t let go of this baggage, it isn’t going anywhere. It will sit there and continue to plague our very being.

Long story short: Letting go of our emotional baggage is critical for liberation.

The problem is that, even if we’re in that fortunate minority that is aware of this baggage and the need to let it go, it’s still really difficult to do.

Why? Because when it comes up, when it gets poked, the first thing we want to do is push it away.

Why? Because it’s painful!

Working out the knots

Which brings us to the massage table. Most of you have gotten a massage from a friend, partner or professional.

And unless you’re superhuman, that masseuse has come across muscle knots in your body. Mine are invariably found in the shoulder blade area.

What do most of us do when that area gets hit? First, we grimace and groan a little bit. And then we say something like,

“Yeah, right there. Work that nice and easy…Ahhh…Yes…”

What do we not say?

“No! Stop. That hurts too much. Don’t even touch it!”

But that is what we do when a painful emotion arises. Again, we push it away.

What to do

So next time one of these feelings comes up, imagine a picture in your head of you laying on a massage table. And your masseuse has just arrived at a sensitive muscle knot.

Then see if you can treat that emotional “knot” just as you would the muscular one. How would that look? Something like this:

“Ooh. Ow, that hurts. Go ahead, get in there and work on it…Ow…Ahhh…”

In other words, instead of immediately pushing it away, just let it be. Let the masseuse loosen that energy pocket so it can rise up.

Because the goal is the same in both endeavors: To loosen the emotional/muscle knot so that it can stop blocking your natural flow.

A critical question

Now, here’s a key question we need to ask: Who’s the masseuse working out the emotional knot when you’ve been triggered?

Not you! You don’t get involved at all in the process of loosening up that Samskara/emotional baggage knot. All you do is, as you would in a massage, let the masseuse do her work.

Fine. Then who’s the masseuse here?

Nature.

When you slice your thumb dicing onions, what do you do? You clean it, put on a bandaid and leave it alone. You don’t pick at it. You don’t do anything.

What do you do? You let nature heal the wound.

It’s the same here. We let nature heal/soften that energy pocket so it can rise up.

But in order for that to happen, we have to remain on the table and not resist or push away the pain. If we do push it away, as most of us do most of the time, that energy just gets pushed down again and continues to cause us problems. It’s an opportunity lost.

The takeaway

This really can be helpful. Use this image of seeing yourself on a massage table next time a feeling comes up that upsets you.

Do your best to remain on the table, leaning away from the pain, but remaining present with it.

Then let nature work out the knot.