Meditation

This is another one of those articles where I wonder why it’s taken me so long to write it.

Let me start by going back to a well I’ve dived into several times before, that being my favorite quote from Eckhart Tolle. Which is this:

“Awareness is the greatest agent for change.”

Here’s the link to the article I wrote about this years ago.

Why am I revisiting the awareness thing? Because I see so many people who have read my stuff and who I have personally counseled on spiritual matters forget the essence of Eckhart’s quote.

Bottom line: We have to be aware of what we’re doing if we are going to let it go. The problem is I see so many people not doing that.

Many have to do with people going off on rants. What are some examples?

-A friend excoriating an athlete they didn’t like, using language that would make a sailor blush. Mind you, this is someone they’ve never met who has done nothing to them. It was an angry rant way out of proportion to the situation.

-Another friend going on and on about how much he hated a certain politician. To the point of their face visibly trembling.

-Somebody who repeatedly goes on diatribes about their boss. Saying the same things over and over and over.

What all of these people have in common is that they know the importance of being aware when we give in to our lower selves. And yet they keep doing it.

Step outside yourself and observe

I tell people all the time that being aware when our egos take over is a hugely important first step on the spiritual path. It’s about stepping outside of ourselves and looking at what we’re doing, with no judgment.

So in that athlete rant example, it would look like:

“…She’s so awful. I just hate her…”

Then that person’s awareness bell needs to ring, causing him to say,

“Hmm. Okay. I’m ranting about someone I don’t know who’s done nothing to me.”

I’m not even saying we need to do the second step of letting go of the bile or anxiety we’re feeling. In the beginning, it’s about simply becoming aware of and acknowledging when our egos have taken over the steering wheel.

I still have times when egoic anger swallows my entire being. But while I’m in that state, or when it’s over, my awareness bell rings and I say to myself, “Okay. You just completely lost it.”

My teenage torturers

Just a few nights ago, I was making dinner and had to get something in the garage. My two rancorous, jokester teenagers thought it would be fun(ny) to lock me in the garage. So they did.

A few seconds was fine. But after a minute of putting up with their hijinks, I lost it and started pounding on the door. Which only made them laugh harder! Eventually, one of them quietly unlocked the door whereupon both of them bolted upstairs to safety.

The tennis ball in the head caper

One more example, just for laughs. My evil teens concocted a scheme (which I’ll admit was brilliant) whereby my son was practicing his lacrosse shot on the wall in the living room with a tennis ball while my wife, daughter and I chatted. My son then purposely hit me in the head with the tennis ball, sending me into a frenzy of fury…

Which my daughter recorded on her phone! It was all a setup to get my explosion on camera. I have to confess that watching that recording was pretty darn funny.

[Reader question: Do any of your kids torture you like this?]

Last thing, then back to awareness. The cruelest thing we teenagers ever did to my dad was when he’d go on one of his periodic, futile diets. He was hugely disciplined in most matters, the exception being his sweet tooth; specifically, chocolate ice cream.

So here’s what my brother Andy and I would do. While he was crunching on carrots and celery for dessert, we would sit on either side of him with Everest-sized bowls of chocolate ice cream. While stuffing our faces, we’d say:

Me: “Mmm. Andy, I have a question for you. In your entire life, have you ever tasted anything this chocolatey? Like ever?

Andy: “No way, no how. This ice cream is as chocolatey as chocolate gets…MmmMMM!”

My dad would just stare straight ahead. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Like a bored cow chewing on grass.

Could this be karma catching up with me?

We need to be aware to let go

Alright, back to the importance of awareness. The point is, if letting go of our egoic baggage is the most important thing we can do (it is), then becoming aware when it arises is critical.

Why? Because when we react from a place of ego and don’t recognize it for what it is, we sure as heck can’t let go of it.

Worse, when we go on these egoic rants and don’t recognize it as such, what we’re really doing is tacitly telling ourselves that it’s okay.

“Rant on and on with bile oozing out of my ears about an athlete I have nothing to do with? Sure. What’s wrong with that?”

That’s essentially what that person is doing. As such, why would that person look at that event as an opportunity to let go of stuck energy in their lower self? They won’t.

The takeaway

And that’s the point of this piece. Letting go is so, so, so central to our overall wellbeing.

But to do so, we have to become aware when our baggage arises.

Long story short: Make sure your awareness bell is in good working order. If it isn’t, get to work strengthening it.

Slow down. Heeding those two words puts us on track for both success and well-being.

Why? Two reasons.

First, it makes us better at everything (except track, swimming and other races where going slow is not advised).

Second, it makes us feel better. More content. Happier.

The opposite is also true. Rushing, hurrying, scurrying — i.e., going fast — only create tension and stress.

Why? Because rushing takes us out of the moment. We’re rushing precisely because we want to get somewhere more important than where we are now, which is always a bad idea, unless you’re running from a hungry grizzly bear.

Going fast takes us away from our center. It destabilizes us.

It’s like shaking up a snow globe, which clouds our visibility. Slowing down causes the snow to settle, allowing us to see clearly.

Rushing is a habit

Why do we rush and tend to want do things fast? One simple reason is that it’s a habit.

When you walk quickly from your bedroom to the kitchen are you doing so because of the fractions of a second you’re going to save or because…well, that’s what you’ve always done.

A reason many of us into that habit in the first place is that society, especially here in America, encourages us to go, go, go. Hustle, hustle, hustle. Do, do, do.

Multitasking isn’t what it’s cracked up to be

So many people I know are proud of their ability to do several things at once. Yes, I’m talking about you multitaskers out there.

A dad checks football scores on his phone while shooting baskets with his son and simultaneously surveying his yard to see what kind of work it’ll need over the weekend. Isn’t that great?

NO. It’s not. As the Zen saying goes:

“Zen is doing one thing at a time.”

Be like Mike

There are numerous examples of fabulously talented and successful people who operate from this place of “slowness.” I’ll pick one. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time.

I watched the ESPN documentary on his and the Chicago Bulls’ dominating run in the 1990s. On the court Jordan was obviously lightning quick.

But watch him when the ball is dead or during timeouts. He didn’t rush or seem like he was thinking about anything. He walked slowly, loosely, calmly. Same after the game when he emerged from the locker room in his suit and eased down the hall with a slow, halcyon stride that oozed cool.

That state of stillness, that groove, is what allowed Jordan’s inner genius to take center stage and do things that we mere mortals could only watch with awe.

Five scenarios for you to slow down

Okay, so slowing down helps us feel better and perform better. But how about some concrete tips on how to incorporate that into our lives? Here are five.

The first area is for you meditators. One could say that the ultimate objective of meditation is to slow the mind down so much that the only thing left is silent stillness. That’s not easy to achieve, but here’s something that helps me a lot.

Early on in my meditation sessions I’ll often say the words ‘slow down’ as a way of easing me toward stillness. On an inhale I say “slow” and on the exhale I say “down.” Try five breaths like that early on in your session and I can almost guarantee that your mind will slow down.

Second, next time you go to the grocery store make a conscious effort to walk slowly through the parking lot from your car to the entrance. Most people rush from their cars to the store. Why? Again, because it’s a habit.

I discovered a few years back that I was doing this so I decided to try walking slowly. It changed my inner “vibe” in a matter of seconds. If you really want to feel calm and good, take some slow, deep breaths as you slowly walk through the lot.

Third, try slowing down next time you’re struggling with a difficult work project. Whether it’s writing a memo or preparing a presentation, try closing your eyes and doing at least three long breaths saying “slow” on the inhale and “down” on the exhale.

Often, the reason we’re struggling is that our minds are racing with thoughts of, “I’ll never get this going,” or “I hate writing these memos.” Slowing down helps us achieve the focus needed to dive into the work.

Fourth, try driving slower. I don’t mean going 20 in a 45 MPH zone. Just try tamping down a bit on the old accelerator. The few seconds you lose will be more than made up for by the clarity of mind and inner calm you gain.

Fifth, try brushing your teeth a little more slowly. I know. This one seems tough. You just want to get through it. But this is one of those quintessential mindfulness traps. This, and drying off after a shower.

Why? When was the last time you brushed your teeth or dried off and actually had your attention focused on those two acts? We’re always somewhere else in our heads when we perform these things and that’s not a good place to be.

So try it. At least once. Brush your teeth slowly and place your attention on the brushing of your teeth. My method is to take three long, slow breaths while brushing.

The takeaway

Slowing down isn’t easy for most of us, myself included. But it works.

You can use it virtually any time, especially when you’re feeling a little anxious. When feeling that way, try closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths, saying ‘slow’ on the inhale and ‘down’ on the exhale.

Give it a try. It’s another arrow to put in your self-care, mindfulness quiver.

Slow…down…

I can’t believe that I’ve been writing these articles for almost five years now and I’ve never even mentioned the word equanimity, much less written an entire article about it. It’s central to spiritual growth.

Why? Let’s start by defining equanimity. This is the definition from Dictionary.com.:

“mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness.”

It derives from the Latin aequs (even) and animus (mind, spirit, feelings). Even-minded.

Why am I making such a big deal out of this word? Because as I’ve been stating over and over for years now, nothing is more important for our overall wellbeing than letting go of our stuff. Our baggage. I’ve expressed this in myriad ways in multiple articles.

Letting go is hard

But here’s the thing: It’s hard to let go. Why? Because when our egoic baggage gets poked, the feelings that come up overwhelm us in the moment.

Which leads to reacting. What do I mean by reacting? Lashing out. Exploding. Walking off in a huff.

You ever do that? Oh, come on. I know I have zillions of times!

How do I know this is so prevalent among we mere Earthlings? Because I’ve heard from a number of you about this. I can’t tell you how many comments I’ve gotten over the years from people saying something along the lines of,

“Yeah, I know it’s important to stay calm and let go, but most of the time I just can’t do it!My rage, anger, hurt, etc. is so close to the surface that I don’t have time to catch myself before losing it.”

That’s it. Right there. I’m not exaggerating when I say that we could call this epidemic of reactive responding to egoic triggering the central problem plaguing humanity.

Why is that? Why is the inability to stay calm in the face of stress and tension so injurious?

Reacting strengthens the toxic energy

Because when we react, instead of acting with equanimity, we strengthen the toxic energy that desperately wants to be released from our lower selves. And it is that energy that is the bane of our existence.

What’s the origin of that energy? Where does it come from? It’s every challenging and painful experience we’ve ever had in our lives that we didn’t let go of when it happened. Which is almost all of them.

So when one of those packets of energy gets stirred up — for example, your father never listened to you as a kid and your husband just ignored you at the dinner table — we can either react, by screaming at him, or we can respond by taking a few breaths and calming ourselves…Then relax and let that energy go. In other words, we can respond from a state of equanimity.

Letting go of the Samskaras

When we do that, we allow another packet of stuck energy — known as a Samskara in Sanskrit — to come up so we can let it go. If we keep doing this, over and over and over again, we eventually empty ourselves of this egoic muck.

And what’s the result of that? Well, the Buddhists call that state nirvana. It’s the state we reach when our egos dissolve and all that’s left is pure consciousness.

Letting go requires equanimity

Which is all fine and lovely. But the point is, it’s virtually impossible to do any of this unless we develop that state of equanimity. Without it, we’ll continue our hair-trigger, explosive reactions from now until the day we die, and miss countless opportunities to rid ourselves of the toxins that plague our lives.

We have to learn how to maintain, as the dictionary definition stated, “…emotional stability…under tension or strain.”

Which brings us to the $64,000 question: How do we go about developing this calm, measured state of equanimity? At the top of the pyramid would be this simple act:

Set an intention.

We need to commit ourselves to pursuing this ever-so-important endeavor. We need to say to ourselves:

“I am going to do whatever I can to strengthen my ability to remain calm in the face of strain.To act from a state of grace. Why? Because my ability to liberate myself from myself depends on it.”

Next, we regularly practice meditation, mindfulness and any other spiritual techniques that fortify and foster a sense of inner calm.

I would include physical exercise in this as well. I work out six days a week and ninety percent of the reason I do so is for my mental health. Exercise calms me.

Practice, practice, practice

Finally, we need to practice. Every day. All day. Doing our best to remain present. Following our breath if we get uptight while driving, talking to our boss or discovering the disaster of dishes our daughter left on the kitchen counter after baking chocolate chip cookies (this one’s personal).

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

The takeaway

With time and practice, our ability to remain calm will strengthen.

But again, most important is setting the intention. We need to be proactive in deciding that we want to get better at being calm under duress.

Without that, it’s unlikely we’ll get to that promised land of equanimity.

Think about setting this intention. At the very least, it’ll get you on the onramp to the road to the promised land.

I’ve said for years that Mickey Singer is my favorite spiritual teacher. In this article from 2022 I gave as my reason Mickey’s emphasis on letting go of our stuff.

That yes, practicing regular meditation and mindfulness in the pursuit of quieting our minds was incredibly important. But if we don’t let go of the baggage we’ve held onto over the course of our lives, those practices alone will not liberate us from ourselves.

But letting go isn’t easy. And for most people, how to do it is confusing. Because it’s so central to our growth, illuminating what letting go looks like is vital.

The nice elevator guy

That’s where Mickey’s elevator example comes in. I heard it this morning listening to his start of 2024 talk.

He said to imagine you get on an elevator. There’s one person already on it and he’s standing at the button panel.

As the door starts to close, he sees somebody coming and presses the door open button. Okay, you’re fine. One more person, no big deal…

Then he does it again…And again…And again. Each time he does it, he laughs and says, “Looks like we got another. Come on in.”

Now there’s seven people on board and it’s getting a little tight. You don’t like crowds and you definitely don’t like being packed to the gills in an elevator. You feel anger building inside you.

The four possible responses

So what do you do? Mickey goes through four different reactions, in ascending order of efficacy.

First, you could blow your stack.

“Would you stop letting people on!!! It’s packed in here!!!”

This is expressing that anger. Some mistakenly think that expressing is the same as letting go. It’s not. It usually leads to bad outcomes and doesn’t release the stuck, angry energy.

Second, you could suppress the anger by saying to yourself,

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. He’s just being nice.”

None of which you believe. You’re pissed and all you’re doing here is pushing the anger down. Someday all that suppressed anger is going to explode out of you like lava out of Mt. Vesuvius.

Third, you can accept the situation. This is one I hadn’t heard Mickey say before. That would be saying to yourself,

“Yes, this sucks. I hate being trapped in a loaded elevator. But that’s the reality of the situation and there’s nothing we can do about it. So just accept it.”

Acceptance is better than the first two, but we’re still not letting go of the anger. We’re simply accepting that we’re angry.

The fourth, and optimum, response is to not express, suppress or accept the anger. It is to watch it, relax with it and let it go.

Mickey teaches us to say something along the lines of,

“This anger has come up and I don’t want to live with it anymore. So I’m going to let it go. As hard as it is to relax and remain calm right now, I don’t care. I’m going to do it in furtherance of doing the most important thing I can do with my life: Letting go of myself in order to free myself.”

So that’s what we do. We resolve to rid ourselves of ourselves.

That’s actually my 2024 resolution. That on December 31, 2024, there is less David Gerken than there was on January 1, 2024.

Just keep shedding. And shedding. And shedding.

When you hit red lights. Let go.

When the mom at school pickup forgets your name for the umpteenth time. Let go.

When your 80-year-old father belittles your job. Let go.

And when you’re on an elevator and a nice guy keeps letting people on. Let go.

Sooner rather than later you’ll feel lighter. Better. Happier.

Why?

Because each time you let go you get closer to realizing the true, conscious you that has been there all along. It’s just been obscured by the egoic clouds we’ve all accumulated from our earliest days.

And when those clouds arise in our sky, all we need to do is…

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

I’ve said many times that the Tao te Ching is my favorite book of wisdom. Its words, written by Lao Tzu 2,500 years ago, are timeless.

It’s no wonder that I’ve written so many articles about it. I’ve written separate articles about each of these three quotes:

“If you want to be given everything, give everything up.”(Article link here.)

“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”(Article link here.)

“Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.”(Article link here.)

But it struck me recently, in re-reading the Tao for the umpteenth time, that Lao Tzu waits until chapter 67 (of 81) to state: “I have just three things to teach.” I leaned in like never before upon reading that sentence.

Why? Put it this way. It would be like reading a golf instruction book by Tiger Woods where he gives all kinds of great tips. Then towards the end, he writes, “Now here are the only three things I teach in golf.” Time to laser in.

Lao Tzu’s three teachings

Same here with Lao Tzu. Those three things he lists are: simplicity, patience and compassion. Today’s piece is about that first one, simplicity. (I’ll write about the other two at a later date.)

I love that Lao Tzu puts simplicity first. Why? Because simplicity is so central to the well-being of we mere mortals.

How does Lao Tzu express what he means by simplicity? Like this:

“Simple in actions and in thoughts, you return to the source of being.”

Did your head just explode? Mine did. Doesn’t get much deeper than that.

So what does Lao Tzu mean here? I interpret it as simplicity is our original, natural state.

The ego drove us out of the Garden

It’s only when our minds develop egos in our developmental years and beyond that we stray from simplicity to its opposite, complexity. Boiled down to its essence, complexity means developing lots of ‘likes’ and ‘not likes.’

We like sushi (but nothing with roe, tempura or cucumber in it), vodka drinks (but only with Tito’s), Kiehl’s moisturizer and filet mignon steak (never NY strip or ribeye).

We don’t like redheads (first girlfriend had red hair and broke your heart), red wine or any whites other than Albarino and southern Rhone blends of Rousanne, Marsanne and Viognier, or the color teal.

Mickey Singer has called this move from simplicity to complexity in like and not likes the fall from the Garden of Eden. And I think he’s right.

Simplicity in today’s world

What’s the modern version of simplicity? It’s deriving the pleasures of life from things like taking walks in nature, drinking a cup of tea every afternoon while watching and listening to the birds in your backyard, having a fried egg on top of a piece of toast for breakfast (my mom’s favorite).

Speaking of my mom, she was the queen of the simple life. She helped her six kids in myriad ways, ate simply, read books, went on walks and drank cheap, jug wine with my dad.

Which was doubly impressive given that my dad was a Fortune 500 CEO, so my mom could’ve drunk Montrachet chardonnays, worn Chanel dresses and driven a Rolls-Royce.

But lucky for her she didn’t want any of that. She came from the lower middle-class section of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where simplicity wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. And I said lucky for her because that simple, frugal life she chose to lead was the cornerstone for her bountiful happiness.

My experience has been that those with simple needs, like my mom, are invariably the happiest people. Conversely, those who can only drink Grey Goose vodka and eat Beluga caviar or no caviar at all, always seem dissatisfied. Off. Like nothing is ever enough.

The great beings were all simple

And look at the spiritual giants now and in the past. Eckhart Tolle says he does very little. He takes walks in the woods of Vancouver, has a cup of tea, reads some books. Not much. And he oozes contentment.

Ditto with Mickey Singer who for years has worn the same outfit: a navy blue long-sleeve knit shirt and khaki pants. I ate a couple meals with him at his Temple of the Universe in Florida and I can tell you that the vegan food he ate was tasty but far from gourmet. And the guy is a billionaire through creating the leading medical office billing software.

The same holds for Ram Dass, Yogananda, Ramana Maharshi, Neem Karoli Baba and other high beings. The simplicity with which these spiritual icons lived their lives enhanced their ability to transcend their humanness and realize the deep being within them.

As Lao Tzu so beautifully wrote, it was simplicity that allowed these great saints to,

‘…return to the source of being.’

Which is another way of saying becoming one with God, the Tao, Jesus, nature, the Universe or whatever your belief system dictates. It’s the realization of the true self within us all.

Which is impossible to pull off if we spend our lives constantly trying to satisfy our wants and avoid our ‘not wants.’

The takeaway

We can only reach the highest places life has to offer when we keep things as simple as possible.

Kudos to Lao Tzu for realizing that 2,500 years ago.

Let me start by explaining that word salad title above. Anticipatory anxiety is produced when we forecast how we’ll feel if things don’t go as planned and then we feel anxious about it. Without anything bad happening at all!

As usual, best to describe with an example. I’ll use what happened last week on my trip home from visiting the in-laws in Louisiana.

Driving back to Dallas

For various reasons, instead of flying all the way to Shreveport, our family flies to Dallas and then drives a rental car four hours to my in-law’s house. Last Friday, our flight didn’t leave Dallas until 9 p.m. The good news with that is we didn’t have to get up at the crack of dawn and drive four hours in the dark for a morning flight.

The bad news is that our flight didn’t arrive at John Wayne Airport until 10:20 p.m. And because of local laws negotiated long ago, flights can’t land at John Wayne past 11 p.m. Bottom line: If our flight was just a little late, we’d have to spend the night in Dallas and fly out the next morning.

Old, anxious me

Fine. So what does this have to do with anticipatory anxiety? Lots. Because the old me, before the spiritual work I’ve done these past several years, would have been wound tight as a drum over this scenario.

When? At least the day before. And definitely the morning of our trip and during the four-hour drive.

I would have been anxious about hitting a traffic jam that could have made us miss our flight. Anxious that there wouldn’t be a gas station near the airport where I could fill the rental car and therefore have to pay the $750 a gallon they all charge if you don’t bring it back full to the gills! And of course, anxious that our flight would be delayed, forcing us to lay up for the night in Dallas.

Not anxious anymore

But I didn’t get anxious about any of that. And I know, from the depths of my gut, that this is attributable to my spiritual work.

The best way to understand this dynamic is through this simple explanation, as played out in my head. The dialogue going on inside the old me would be,

“Man, we better make this flight. That is just going to suck if we have to schlep over to some depressing Airport Hilton for the night. Not to mention we wouldn’t get home until late morning tomorrow at the earliest. Better keep checking my phone to see if the flight is still on time…”

The dialogue inside the new, improved me was,

“Okay. We’re cruising along Interstate 20. It’s a beautiful day. Flight’s on time, so far. But if it gets delayed and we have to bunk in Dallas for the night, we’ll live. Maybe we can have a fun dinner somewhere.”

What’s the subtext behind these two dialogues? Simply put, old me felt anticipatory anxiety because he didn’t think he could handle any of the possible bad outcomes. Having to stay overnight in Dallas would throw him into a tailspin.

Recent me feels like I can handle anything. Stay in Dallas? Not ideal, but it’s not worth getting anxious over.

Being able to handle life

The regular meditation and mindfulness practices, coupled with working on letting go of David Gerken, has resulted in my being able to better handle the various challenges, both big and small, that life throws at me and every human being on planet Earth.

How do these practices help handle life better? I’ve written before about studies showing that meditation helps shrink our amygdalae, the almond shaped part of our limbic brain that is central to emotion regulation. I call it the Worry Wart part of our brain. [I go into more depth on that in this article from a few years back about when I got fired from The West Wing television show (link here).]

What are your experiences with this?

But again, this is about anticipatory anxiety and how ruinous it can be for so many. Does any of this ring a bell for you? Do you feel a pit in your stomach most days before going to work, even though you’re not at work yet? Do you feel terrible the whole week before traveling to see your mother-in-law?

The bottom line is that people feel anticipatory anxiety because they don’t think they can handle what might happen. And that can be crippling.

The good news, and the reason I wrote this article, is that solid, steady work on the spiritual path can go a long, long way toward alleviating this unnecessary anxiety.

The takeaway

So I hope you’ll look at this article as inspiration to get going on this stuff.

Because I’ve found that quieting the mind, working on being present with and accepting the reality of the present moment and letting go of our egoic selves makes us more compassionate, better at work, better in our relationships, less depressed and more focused.

Add alleviating anticipatory anxiety to that long list.

Do you ever find yourself walking on the beach, hiking through a forest or some other natural setting and realize you’re stuck in your head thinking about what restaurant you want to eat at later or the easy three-foot putt you missed earlier in the day that would’ve allowed you to break 90? If that never happens to you, my hat is off and I’m envious.

Because it does happen to me and probably many of you, too. Why? Because our minds love to chatter.

Our chiming in minds

Doesn’t matter if we’re having a romantic, candlelight dinner with the love of our life or watching the most majestic Hawaiian sunset imaginable, our mind will want to chime in with its thoughts about the dinner, the sunset or a million other topics.

I don’t know about you, but I find this frustrating. I live a few miles from the beach in Southern California. And that means breathtaking sunsets and frequent trips to the beach, usually with my seven-year-old daughter who, not surprisingly, is impossible to extricate from the water come departure time.

ME: Okay, honey. Five more minutes.

VIOLET: Awww. Ten minutes?

ME: You go higher and I go lower. Four minutes.

VIOLET: Okay, five!

Eight times out of ten, it comes down to me packing our stuff and starting to walk away, at which point she comes a running.

Point is, I so often find myself gazing out at the rugged cliffs, with the seagulls soaring overhead and the vast expanse of ocean in front of us and think to myself,

“Man, this is so beautiful. Why can’t I just stand here and drink it in without these useless thoughts spoiling the party?”

Breathing techniques help

One popular remedy for this ailment is to use our breath to bring us into the moment. There are oodles of breathing techniques out there, most of which you’ve probably heard about. Box breathing, alternate nostril breathing, diaphragmatic breathing and scores more.

I’ve tried all of these and they work, but mostly in the form of alleviating stress and anxiety. I’ve found that for a breathing technique to work while we’re out walking or hanging out in nature, it needs to be uber-simple.

Which brings me to the bike ride I took a few days ago around the Back Bay here in Newport Beach. It’s a gorgeous setting with all kinds of water, sky, cliff and bird views.

I wrote an article a few years ago (link here) about how I struggled on these rides to keep my mind from boarding the train to Thoughtlandia. The technique that helped me was to simply count to ten breaths, and while doing so, look around at the scenery. I’d try to do that five or six different times on my ride. And it worked pretty well.

The wrinkle I added to my breath counting

But a few days ago, I came up with a tweak on that technique. Instead of simply counting ten breaths, on the inhale I’d say “one,” and then on the exhale I’d also say “one.” Then I’d say “two” on the next inhale and “two” on the exhale. So it’s ‘1,1…2,2…3,3…” until I reached ten breaths.

Why this tweak? Because I found that while counting ten breaths, I’d still end up losing my attention. Why? Because the inhale and exhale can take too long for just one count. So repeating the number of the breath on the exhale increases my ability to stay present.

While counting this way, I’m still able to look around and take in the scenery; i.e., I can count and experience at the same time.

You know what’s hard to do while I’m counting my breaths, “1,1…2,2…” and looking around? Think useless thoughts.

The takeaway

Yep. That’s the whole point of this. Filling the present moment with two actions — watching and counting — has the effect of crowding out my ability to do anything else…like think.

Again, I’m sure many of you have tried various breathing techniques. But I’ve found that this one really helps when I want to just be here now with nature.

Anything that helps us commune with nature is worth a try, right?

Hands down my favorite living teacher of all things spiritual is Mickey Singer. His combination of wisdom, pragmatism and accessibility is unmatched by anybody on planet Earth.

This comes as no surprise to any of you who’ve read my stuff these past few years as I’ve written countless articles about Mickey’s teachings. I’ve also visited his Temple of the Universe in Alachua, Florida, twice and written three articles (links here, here and here) about my experiences there.

His thrice weekly talks, posted on his tou.org website, are part of my daily spiritual routine. Most mornings I listen to fifteen minutes of one of his talks and then meditate for fifteen minutes.

Mickey’s tethering talks

More so than even Eckhart Tolle and Ram Dass, Mickey’s talks have the effect of tethering me to my center, and nothing is more important than that in my book. I can’t recommend these talks highly enough.

With that, let’s get into today’s Mickey nugget. Like most brilliant and profound expressions of truth, it is short, but packs a powerful spiritual punch.

Toward the end of his December 17 talk, Mickey said:

“Become empty inside so you can become full.”

That’s it. It’s the whole ballgame.

Mickey and the spiritual endgame

Mickey said this in the context of relating what the endgame of our work is. As he stated, that endgame is “…that every moment that passes before you is better off because it did.”

What a beautiful way to describe the end product of spiritual work. But we can only reach that state when we become ‘done with ourselves.’

That’s the first half of Mickey’s quote: ‘Become empty inside…’ Most people raise their eyebrows when they read that. They think,

“Become empty!? What the hell is that? If I get rid of myself, won’t I just walk around like a zombie?”

No. That’s not what becoming empty is.

Taking the trash out

What is it? Look at emptying yourself of yourself as taking the trash out. We spend our lives accumulating egoic garbage inside. The slings and arrows of life — the slights, the insecurities, your parents divorcing, you name it — accumulate starting in childhood and continue into adulthood.

This trash builds and builds inside us unless and until we…

…Take the trash out; otherwise known as, letting go of our stuff. That trash sits inside our proverbial house, stinking up our lives, until we let it go when it comes up.

And what happens when we do take out the trash, AKA, ‘become empty inside’?

We ‘…become full.’

Full of what? Shakti, consciousness, chi, presence…All the good stuff. In fact, becoming full of this upward flowing energy is the highest state life has to offer we mortal humans.

In that state the ego no longer torments us. No more worrying, fearing, fretting, raging, gossiping, judging, comparing or doubting.

Why? Because we’ve become empty inside and are now full.

The takeaway

This is one of those quotes to print out and tape to the fridge. It’s a gentle reminder that life’s riches come to us through letting go of ourselves.

Letting go so that we can become full of the beautiful, conscious, divine energy that lies within us all.

Let’s get right to it. Here’s how I use Eckhart Tolle in my daily life. And again, as the title states, it’s a tad hokey. But I don’t care. It’s effective for me.

What I do is, whenever I find myself in a challenging, upsetting or uncomfortable situation, I ask myself:

“What would Eckhart do?”

So, there you have it. First, some background.

My path is about mindful living

I’ve done a ton of reading, studying and meditating over a wide gamut of spiritual traditions and concepts over this past decade. What it has all added up to is this: Being present, mindful and conscious is how I want to be. That is my life’s work now.

In all that studying, watching and reading, I’ve found nobody who embodies conscious presence more than Eckhart. That’s the reason I’ve spent countless hours watching his talks over the years.

It’s about Eckhart’s presence

The content of what he says rarely diverts from a few key concepts. But simply being in his presence, through watching him speak, speaks to the presence in me.

So when I get into those stressful situations what I’m really asking is,

“What’s the mindful, conscious way of responding to this?”

What types of situations am I referring to? Mostly ones which have stirred our egos.

A clear example would be the billing dispute I got in with my accountant the past few weeks (which was the topic of my last article — link here). My insides got all riled up over something that was completely ego-related.

“This guy is ripping me off! No way I’m paying that!”

You want to know what had a practical, helpful effect on this? Asking myself what Eckhart would do.

Did that clear up and dissolve all the crazy thoughts and feelings that were coursing through my mind and body for several days? No. Check my previous article for how I handled that.

It helped with my actual responses

But where it did help was in the actual responding I did on the matter. How?

For example, I’d get an email from the accountant with hard-ass, uncompromising language which would, of course, get my bile stirred up. That is when it was helpful to ask what Eckhart would do.

Would he react by dashing off a nasty retort? No.

Relax into presence BEFORE responding

He would relax, be conscious of his breath and muster a state of presence. Only after doing that would he respond.

Which is what I did. I never told this guy to go ‘F’ himself or anything close to it. My responses were firm, but devoid of unconscious, egoic language.

Thanks to Eckhart.

I hope you’ll consider using this in your own life. Evoke Eckhart’s presence the next time you feel like you’re about to blow your stack and do something you’ll regret. Like what?

Like:

– One of the moms at your kid’s school acts inexplicably cold toward you and every fiber of your egoic being wants to tell her off.

– Your flight gets cancelled and the agent can’t find another flight until the next day.

– Your husband complains about having to travel to see your family for the holidays even though you only go there once a year.

I find that evoking Eckhart’s image has the effect of immediately halting a reactionary, unconscious response. It calms me at the point I most need to remain calm.

It doesn’t have to be Eckhart

If you’re not familiar with Eckhart or if he doesn’t float your spiritual boat, think of someone who does. If you’re a devout Christian, it doesn’t get any better than asking “What Would Jesus Do?”

Or maybe your favorite spiritual guide is Yogananda. Or Ram Dass. Or Moses. Or even Oprah Winfrey.

It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that this guide teaches something resembling calm, compassionate, mindful behavior, which just about all of them do.

The mindful response is always best

Because here’s the thing. The mindful, present response is ALWAYS the best response. Always.

Even if you’re at a liquor store and somebody wearing a ski mask barges in, sticks a sawed-off shotgun in your face and demands your money, being as present as possible is your best course of action. Ditto for every other situation.

The bottom line is that reacting from a state of egoic fury, impatience, jealousy, fear or otherwise, is never a good idea. It’s normal. And it makes sense given our humanness. But it doesn’t serve our interests.

That’s why it’s so important to devote ourselves to the work of letting go of that ego that lies at the root of our unconscious behavior.

Figure out what works for you

But there is no one technique, practice or spiritual formula that works for everybody. We all need to figure out the spiritual stew that works for us.

Which is why I try to come up with these wacky ideas/short cuts to help nudge us along the path. This “What Would Eckhart/Jesus/Gandhi/MLK/Ram Dass Do?” is one of those devices that really works. At least it does for me.

The calming image of Eckhart

It gives me an instant image to conjure in my mind when I feel my lower self donning its war armor and preparing for battle. That calm, conscious image of Eckhart leads me to drop my sword and shield and gather my present wits about me.

Whether you’re dealing with your mother-in-law, boss or American Airlines gate agent, asking yourself what your favorite spiritual guide would do in that situation is all upside.

Tax accounting. Does it get any more exciting than that? Adjusted gross income. Alternative minimum tax. Standard deduction. So fun!

NOT.

But a recent experience with my accountant did present a great opportunity for growth. How?

First, the gory details (I’ll be as brief as possible). Bottom line is that I’ve had this guy doing our taxes for around eight years. The problem all along is that he is a high-end accountant who charges $900 an hour and our taxes are pretty simple, something I could probably do myself.

He came recommended by a friend who is a business whipper-snapper, Wall Street finance type who I’m sure does have complicated taxes and needs an expert accountant.

My high-flying, high-charging accountant

I pay way more than I need to, year after year. And year after year I’ve tried to find a lower end accountant. And couldn’t. Friends and family kept telling me, “I can’t stand my accountant. If you find one you like, please let me know.”

I finally found one a few months ago and she’s charging me one-third what my current guy does. She came recommended by another friend of mine who has significant wealth and likely somewhat complex taxes.

So I do my break up email and he subsequently sends me the final bill. On it are the tax prep fees (roughly 350% more than what my new person charges) and a several hundred-dollar charge for a rudimentary inquiry to the IRS about a notice we got. It was something that, had I known I was being charged for it, I would have just called the IRS myself.

A fair deal

So I told him we’d pay all of the inflated tax prep bill and not the bogus IRS inquiry fee (BTW, something I’ve never been charged for in thirty-ish years of having my taxes done). He wanted both. Lots of back and forth was involved.

So there’s your setup. Hope that wasn’t too painful.

The only pertinent matter is how I responded. The short answer is that I didn’t do well. I thought about it way too much. I worried. Ruminated. Dwelled.

My ego gets in the way again

It was such a classic case of ego getting in the way. “I am not paying that guy hundreds of bucks for barely lifting a finger with the IRS. No way!” In other words, I got my back up.

Sounds pretty normal, right? And it is.

The problem is that I knew better. I’m into this stuff. Dealing with the ego is probably the topic I write about most.

Lesson #1: Don’t get down on yourself for overreacting

From that came the first lesson learned from this matter. I was getting down on myself, this supposedly spiritually advanced guy, for letting this thing get me all riled up.

And that, dear friends, is a big mistake. Why? Because I reacted how I reacted. That was the reality. And it is NEVER healthy to resist reality.

As Mickey Singer would counsel on this, all you do is tell yourself that you’ll try to do better next time. Period. Don’t lament any perceived failures.

Did I think I was further along the spiritual path than getting all twisted up in knots over a stupid accounting bill? Yes. Well, that wasn’t the reality.

So the next time some controversy riles me up, I’ll try again to watch my thoughts and feelings rather than dive in and engage with them. I’ll try to let them go.

Lesson #2: Look in, not out

Another, more important, opportunity this situation presents for us is how it clarifies so clearly the spiritual path. It provides a quintessential example of working on the inside rather than the outside.

Here’s how. When this whole imbroglio went down, it quickly became apparent that I could work on it in two ways: the inner and the outer.

The outer way to “fix” the problem is what most people on planet Earth would do. The inner dialogue would look like this:

“I’m really upset about this accounting charge thing. To remedy this angry, upset feeling I have, I need to figure out the best email to send explaining why I shouldn’t be charged for the IRS thing. I need to get advice from my smart financial friends on how I can most effectively handle this.”

In other words, I look to the outside world to get what I want inside. This is how most people operate their lives. Look to the outside world to fix how we feel inside.

But this overlooks a massive opportunity that these situations present. Because the healthiest thing we can do is ask:

“What is it about this situation that has me so riled up inside? Whatever it is, I will be best served by relaxing behind these feelings and letting them go.”

In other words, we go inside to remedy what ails us inside. “Winning” the argument against my accountant places a distant, distant second in the pecking order of what I need to focus on. That is the most important lesson this scenario offers us.

Putting this into action

How to use this? Let’s say you see your girlfriend talking to another guy at a party and he keeps making her laugh. Smoke starts coming out of your ears you’re so madly jealous. You could:

1. Respond to those jealous feelings by storming out of the party without a word. Or by walking over to them and saying, “Hey, pal, just so you know, this is my girlfriend.” Or by sulking silently the whole drive home.

Or…

2. You could say to yourself, “Wow, I am hyper, hyper jealous right now. Like way beyond normal and way beyond what is actually going on. What is that all about? Time to chill and just watch these feelings for a bit.”

The takeaway

Next time you find yourself freaking out about something like an inflated bill from your accountant, consider watching your reaction. Do it from a place of non-judgment.

Then see if you can flip your attention from the external (“I need to figure out how to win this battle over the bill!”) to the internal (“Wow, I’m having a major reaction to this event. Let’s relax and see what this is all about”).

And look at these situations as opportunities for spiritual growth. Because they are.