In listening to a talk by my favorite spiritual teacher Mickey Singer this morning, I heard a fantastic nugget. It was the question Mickey recommends we ask anytime we face an adverse situation.

Let’s take a minor, relatable example. You’re driving on a two lane road, a few minutes late to pick up your kid at school, and you find yourself behind a car that is doing 25 MPH in a 35 MPH zone. It’s annoying as hell. Your energy starts flowing down to your lower self and you feel that stressful, ragey bile start to gurgle.

What Mickey says we should ask ourselves at that very moment is this:

“Is getting stressed about this situation doing me any good?”

In this example, I can think of not one good thing that comes with getting all bent out of shape because the driver is going slow. Absolutely nothing good comes from that. You feel bad and the situation doesn’t change one iota.

The truck that didn’t show up

Just yesterday, my wife and I put two large pieces of furniture and three big rugs out in our driveway for the city to come pick up and take away. We made an appointment weeks ago and they were supposed to come yesterday between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

They didn’t come. My wife called and they said they had no idea why no one came. And they won’t be able to come again until Thursday. So we now have to lug all that stuff back into our garage, then put it out again early Thursday.

Do I find that annoying? You bet. Does it do me one nano-ounce of good to get worked up about it? No. It’s all pain and no gain.

Finding my clothes in the sink

One more. I put my clothes on the bedroom floor the other day when I went to workout. When I got back, I found that my wife had put my clothes in the bathroom sink. Did it do me any good to blow up at her about this? No. (Though I must admit I’ve been having fun planning my retaliatory strike!)

Granted, these are small potatoes examples. But the truth is, it doesn’t do any good to blow up at bigger stuff, either. In all situations it’s in our best interest to lean away and watch how we feel rather than take the bait and fly down south to our lower selves, which love nothing more than a good, dramatic brawl. It’s about staying present in the midst of emotional upset.

The key to this whole idea is that we’re giving ourselves a choice. Most people don’t see it in these stark terms. All they see is: annoying thing happens, go down the rabbit hole, get upset.

It’s about realizing we have a CHOICE

What this is about is stopping ourselves in these situations and saying, “I have a choice here. Get upset and feel lousy OR don’t get upset and feel okay.” It’s a no-brainer.

So what do we do to divert our attention away from going down the rabbit hole of egoic insanity? Mickey counts. Seriously.

The driver ahead is going too slow and he says, “One, two, three, four, five…” He simply diverts his attention to something OTHER than the slow driving. It works for him.

I like to go to my breathing. Just long, slow, deep breaths…until the urge to go south has passed. Do whatever works for you.

The takeaway

The bottom line is that the greatest power we humans can exert is that of deciding where our attention goes. We can decide to get pointlessly pissed off at a slow driver or we can place our attention on our breathing.

All Mickey Singer’s question does is give us a tool for framing that choice, a choice most people don’t even realize they have.

Tomorrow is December 1st. That means the holiday season is upon us. For too many of us Earthlings that reality brings a twinge, or more, of anxiety and dread.

Buying presents, flying to see family or hosting them, eating way too much at way too many parties…it gets overwhelming for many. To the point that people get depressed this time every year.

It doesn’t have to be that way. With a modicum of planning and effort, we can beat these holiday blues. Here are four ways to do just that.

1. Nip the self-fulfilling prophecy of doom in the bud with a big dose of mindfulness.

This one is head-and-shoulders the most important. Because here is what most people do when the holidays arrive. First, they say to themselves, “Ugh. The holidays are here. I hate this time of year. Time to feel miserable.”

Then the first little mishap occurs, “Dang it. I don’t have one good family photo for our holiday card. I hate this time of year.” Does it help to react this way?

NO!

NO!

NO!

I would venture to say that the number one reason people hate the holidays is because they tell themselves they hate the holidays. Then they commit arguably the most injurious spiritual crime of all: They look out to the entire month of December, PREDICT how bad things will be, then stuff all that future-feeling-poison into themselves…on December 1!

So what is the antidote to this self-sabotage, future poison feeling psychodrama? Remain in the present. Take everything one moment, one day at a time.

So do your best to take one thing at a time. Resist the temptation to stack up all the potential stresses in the days and weeks ahead and stuff them down your throat which will only make you an anxious, depressed mess.

How would that play out with the holiday card meltdown? Maybe you say, “Okay. I’ll just take a picture of the family before dinner tonight. I don’t need some Annie Leibovitz, high brow photo. Problem solved.”

Start NOW

The key to this whole idea is starting early, like NOW, in not allowing yourself to capitulate to the supposed misery of the holidays. We keep our attention, as best we can, in the here and now and take one thing at a time.

And anytime some holiday-themed problem emerges and we feel ourselves going to that place of “Man, I hate this time of year,” just STOP. Look around. Then ask yourself, “Is there anything all that terrible going on in this moment in front of me? No. I’m in my kitchen making coffee. That’s it.” Then go on.

I’m telling you, if you look at what happened during the moments of your holiday seasons past, they wouldn’t add up to misery. The misery is caused by all the ruminating and future casting and kvetching about what might be or what has been.

So start TODAY on this. Nip the self-fulfilling “I hate the holidays because I’ve always hated the holidays” mind poison in the bud.

One thing at a time. Stay in the now.

2. Express your expectations and limitations to those close to you NOW.

This one is mostly for the moms out there who, let’s face it, bear the biggest brunt of holiday responsibilities. They do most of the gift-buying, decorating and all the rest.

Why do they do this? Because most moms, at least the ones I know, feel responsible for making everyone happy, especially in their own family. This is where all the holiday pressure comes from. I’m not saying that’s a good or bad thing. It’s just my observation.

A big driver of this pressure-filled holiday season comes from the fact that there’s no plan. December comes and then, slowly but surely, chaos and anxiety take over.

Make a plan

So how about this to alleviate all that suffering? How about sitting down with a pen and paper and thinking through how YOU would like the holidays to go? Think about what you are willing to do.

Maybe instead of getting four presents for each of your four kids, you get one each and maybe give them some cash to get what they want. I know that might be heresy for some of you.

The point is to think the whole season through. Look back on what has caused you the most stress in previous years and see if you can do something to mitigate it this year.

THEN you have to do something even more important: Communicate that plan to your family. NOW! Maybe they’ll push back on some things, but you work that out.

The key is that after that conversation you are all on the same page. I think a huge amount of mom-stress stems from amorphous, undefined expectations they feel everybody has of them. Getting those expectations more crystallized will cut out a ton of stress.

3. Take care of yourself.

This one seems obvious but deserves attention. Stressful periods are NOT the time to abandon ourselves.

So how does that manifest? Exercise more, not less, during the holidays. Get those endorphins running through your veins. We all tend to eat too much during the holidays and regular exercise will make us feel less bloated and out of control.

If you’re not a big exercise fan, get out and walk. Thirty minutes at least, if you’re able. EVERY DAY.

If you normally get one massage per year, get two, at least, in December! Yes, it’s expensive, but so worth it.

Find some quiet time every day

Find some time every day to be alone and quiet. Hopefully, for at least half an hour. Away from the crowds, the kids and all the holiday madness.

Ideally, I’d say meditate. Nothing would do more to calm and soothe you than meditation.

Those are just a few ideas. The key is to ask yourself: What can I do to be good to myself this holiday season? Do this NOW, not in mid-December when all hell has already broken loose.

4. Have a strategy for dealing with your relatives.

We tend to be around extended family during the holidays, which is a huge source of stress for many. Whether it’s in-laws or your parents or uncles or siblings, there’s always some emotional baggage lurking within.

My approach for dealing with relatives comes straight from the Eckhart Tolle playbook. He recommends a two-pronged strategy for dealing with difficult people.

First, recognize that we are all at different stages in the awakening process. Some people are thoroughly unconscious and tough to deal with. That’s where they are and you aren’t going to change them. It’s not your responsibility. So step number one is to accept people as they are, warts and all.

Second, if you find yourself in an uncomfortable or tense situation, immediately train your attention on your breathing. Take long, slow, deep breaths. And do your best to remain present. Don’t allow your egoic, lower self to hijack your plane and fly into the realm of, “Listen, you sonofabitch, I’ve taken this crap from you for twenty years. No more!”

Don’t do it! I know, it’s hard. But keeping those two points top of mind — accepting people for who they are and staying present — will make it far easier.

The takeaway

So there you have it. Four things you can do at the START of the holiday season to save yourself a ton of stress.

And here’s the thing. You may not get everything perfectly right this year. But you’ll learn what worked and what didn’t. And then next year you’ll do better. And the year after that will be even better.

Who knows? You might even look forward to the holidays before too long.

I was listening to an Eckhart Tolle talk the other day when he threw out a doozy. It’s so simple and obvious, but when I heard him say it, it connected on a deep level.

It was in response to a question posed by one of his followers. The person asked:

“Why is this process of awakening taking so long for me?”

After several minutes of directly answering the question, Eckhart pivoted to this:

“It’s futile to ask yourself how much longer before you’ll be completely awake. The only helpful question is: Am I awake at this moment or am I identified with thinking?”

Why did this particular Eckhart nugget resonate so deeply with me? I’ve been active on the spiritual path for many years now and at any time there are myriad questions that race through my head depending on the situation.

Questions I ask myself

Am I resisting something right now? Am I desiring too much? Am I attached to some thing or situation? Do I need to simply relax and let go? Do I need to surrender to whatever’s going on in the moment? Do I need to just get out of my own way?

Sometimes I feel bombarded by these questions and frankly overwhelmed. All of them are valid questions to ask ourselves.

But I love Eckhart’s assertion that the only helpful question is to ask ourselves if we are awake in this present moment. It always seems to come back to that one thing. Am I here, now?

A wise reader

I remember not long ago I got a comment on one of my articles that was particularly deep and wise. I can’t remember the subject or the gentleman’s name, but I’m pretty sure he was from India.

I responded to his thoughtful comment by writing that he seemed to be far further along the spiritual path than I was. He then topped his previous comment with another sage response. He said,

“No. Just practicing here, now. That’s all.”

I love that sublime simplicity. Just here, now.

But we all know that remaining here, now epitomizes the adage ‘easier said than done.’ It requires the reverse learning process that Adyashanti recommends for meditators. Instead of starting in kindergarten and working our way up to a Phd, we crazed, thinking addicted humans start at the Phd and need to work our way back to the simplicity of kindergarten. By the way, I have a daughter in kindergarten and I can vouch that she is here, now 24/7!

What it means for you

With the holidays upon us and all the stress that brings for many of us, now is an opportune time to practice asking the question Eckhart posed. In the days and weeks ahead, try asking yourself, continually, if you are awake in the moment or identified with the thoughts racing through your head. In other words, are you here, now or lost in thought?

If you find that you’re not present, that’s fine. Simply notice that’s the case, take a few conscious breaths, look around and survey your surroundings for a short while and voila…you’re back in the here and now.

Then rinse and repeat. Thousands of times…for the rest of your life.

Happy holidays.

A year ago my wife and son came home from the dog rescue center with two gorgeous Jack Russell Terrier-Chihuahua mix sisters. Our four year old daughter wanted to name them Sign and Pepper. To this day we have no idea where those names came from. Our older two kids prevailed on the naming front so they are now Sunny and Georgie.

They’re both fun and lively dogs, except for the occasional (daily!) pooping and peeing inside the house. There’s actually only one real complication with our dynamic doggy duo: Sunny’s left eye produces no tears. None. She has complete dry eye and has had it since the day we got her when she was six weeks old; i.e., it’s probably congenital. Left untreated it would cause an ulcerated cornea which would require removal of her eye.

Throwing the kitchen sink at Sunny’s eye

Our vet had us give her an ointment medication for several months. No luck. They then sent us to a veterinary eye specialist. Their plan was to throw the kitchen sink at Sunny’s eye, prescribing four different medications that needed to be administered twice a day. All in the hope that this would result in at least some tear production. Several months into this medication madness, still no luck getting our precious Sunny to make tears.

But the point of this piece isn’t about Sunny’s eye. It’s about what I finally figured out could be helpful to me in my mindfulness practice.

Simple idea, big gain

As is always the case with mindfulness, the whole thing is simple. I realized that I had to apply all these medications every day, twice a day, at roughly the same times. So it hit me. Why not use those occasions as reminders to stop and take some mindful breaths?

The truth is that it’s a pain-in-the-butt to have do this medication thing twice a day, especially since Sunny hates it when I put drops in her eyes. She nips at me unless I get in and out quickly.

But I made a positive out of it. That’s at least two times a day that I now stop, relax, breathe consciously and get centered in my seat of self.

How this can help you

What does this mean for you? Odds are you don’t have a pet that needs medication administered twice a day. But I’ll bet you have activities that you repeat every single day.

The obvious one that I also do is breathe mindfully while brushing my teeth. As I brush I simply take long, slow, deep breaths. This is one I recommend highly. What the heck else are you going to do while brushing your teeth that is more valuable than calming and centering yourself with some conscious breathing?

Heating up your coffee

I’m sure there are others, too. For you coffee drinkers, consider taking thirty seconds to breathe deeply while you warm up your cup in the microwave. I have to warm my coffee at least three times every morning. That’s a great opportunity to practice presence.

Showering is another good one. I actually have a yellow post it note on my shower wall on which I wrote “Breathe.” One of the students in my online meditation and mindfulness class says she loves doing her breathing every morning as she applies her makeup.

The takeaway

Consider taking a minute or two to think about your daily routine and whether there’s anything you do that would be conducive to consciously breathing.

This mindfulness stuff is all about repetition. The more you do it, the more present you’ll become. And the more present you become, the better human you’ll become, in every way.

For most of us, life is a series of ebbing and flowing moods. We’re in a good mood then something happens that puts us in a bad mood or vice-versa.

The point of this piece is to get people to take a fresh look at those cycles and then work on minimizing the bad moods. First, let’s take a look at what causes our bad moods.

Obviously, thousands of factors could come into play. Many are dictated by the lives we lead. A single mom with three kids in diapers will have different mood shapers than an unemployed, twenty-something college grad living rent-free in his parents’ basement.

An Instagram-induced funk

The babysitter calling in sick five minutes before mom is supposed to leave for work throws her day into the toilet pretty quick. For the twenty-something guy it could be seeing an Instagram post of a college buddy of his out celebrating the cool new job he just got…as he sits on the couch bobbing his eyes between Instagram and the World Series of Poker on ESPN.

Second would be moods determined by our general makeup. Some people come out of the womb with a relatively sunny disposition, others…not so much, with everybody else somewhere in between. So a flat tire might ruin an entire day for somebody while the sunny type will roll with it like water off a duck’s back.

The random bad mood

Finally, some mornings we roll out of bed and feel great, or lousy, for seemingly no reason at all. It’s random. This is in keeping with the mood cycling dynamic that seems to be part of most people’s lives. We go up…and down…and all around.

Which frustrates a lot of people, myself included. We do well for a day or two then hit a bad mood patch. Why can’t we just stay in that good mood mode?

Buddhism and impermanence

The Buddhists are all over this one with their concept of impermanence. All that means is that life is constantly changing. Things never stay exactly the same from even one moment to the next. Sometimes that constant change puts us in a good mood while other times it puts us in a bad mood.

Fine, so we all constantly experience ups and downs, for many different reasons. I’m going to focus on how we can shorten, or even stave off, the down moods. I’ll use an example from my life to illustrate.

Gerken family morning mayhem

Mornings at my home are typically chaotic as my wife and I navigate getting our 13, 11 and 5 year old kids out the door to school. Lunches need to be made, breakfasts served, clothes put on, teeth brushed, etc. Sometimes, in the midst of this mayhem, major meltdowns occur.

Like when my daughter has something in mind she wants to wear but can’t find it. As takeoff time inches closer my wife slowly but surely loses it. “Let’s go! It’s 8:25. We have to leave!” “But I can’t find my sweater!” “I don’t care! Wear another sweater!” “No!” “We have to go! It’s not fair to make your sister late.”

Then comes the inevitable barging into my office — “You have to take her. I can’t wait,” followed by the also inevitable SLAMMED door. I then burst out of my office, track down my wayward daughter and get her butt moving. This often ends with my wife and me yelling at each other. Fiasco completed.

What we do AFTER the explosion is what matters

The point of all this is about what happens AFTER the explosion. With frayed nerves and a pounding heart the tendency is to go into shutdown mode. This is where we throw in the towel and essentially say to ourselves, “Screw it. Screw the world. Screw everybody. I’m going to be in a bad mood now…” In other words, some triggering event leads us to throw in the towel and board the plane to Bad Mood Island.

The central problem is that giving up like this often results in our bad mood infecting the rest of the day. It’s not a conscious decision where we actually say to ourselves, “Okay, I’m going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.” But that’s the effect. This has happened to me far too many times.

So what’s the mindful way of tackling these bad mood situations? In the example with my daughter where the whole household has erupted and I’m finally back in my office trying to get to work, what do I do?

The mindful solution

The answer, as it is with all things mindfulness related, is simple. I stop. Close my eyes. Take at least five deep breaths and get centered. I relax as best I can. Then I lean away and observe what I’m feeling, from a place of nonjudgment. In this example, I’d say to myself:

“I just got all bent out of shape because daughter went nuts over missing sweater, then wife screamed at me because she was stressed about getting out the door. Okay, so that’s what is. Life goes on.”

The key is how we end this inner monologue. We say,

“I am not going to let this ruin my mood. I’m going to let it go and move on with my day.”

Don’t expect that this inner pep talk is going to make you feel okay right afterward. That’s not the objective. The objective is to nip a bad mood in the bud. It is to NOT allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole of stewing about what just happened, which only serves to feed that bad mood the egoic poison it so craves.

If you’re in a bad mood for no identifiable reason, we do the same thing. You may have just woken up and you feel off. So you take some breaths, lean away and observe how you feel. We don’t complain about it or judge it in any way. We simply observe it. Then we say:

“I feel kind of lousy. Not sure why. But that’s what is. Let’s see how things go.”

What we don’t do is wake up, feel lousy, and say:

“I’m in a lousy mood and feel like crap. Boy this day is gonna suck.”

By the way, I’m not saying we shouldn’t do the myriad things we can do to get ourselves out of a bad mood. We can get some exercise, call a friend and a million other things.

The key is NOT punting on your day

The key to this whole idea is that it seems so many of us get in a bad mood, caused by any number of factors, and then we just punt. We throw in the towel and capitulate to a long bout of bad mood-dom. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

The truth is we have a choice. We can choose to punt our day away or we can exert a modicum of mindfulness into the situation to nip the bad mood in the bud.

The best cost-benefit deal of all time

The cost of doing this is minuscule. It’s maybe a minute of calming down, getting centered, letting go and then moving on with your day. The benefit is that you don’t allow the rest of your day to go down the tubes. And that’s just for the one-time example.

Think of how much it would help our lives to practice this on a regular basis. Let’s say you saved yourself from being in a bad mood three times in a week. That’s 150 bad moods per year you’re averting. For five years. Ten years. Thirty years. That’s a ton of bad vibes not being released into the world.

All for the price of breathing, relaxing and then sticking up for your well-being by refusing to let your mood go south because of whatever just happened. That’s a great deal for each of us. And an even better deal for the world.

Yesterday morning I sat down to write. The goal was to come up with an idea for my next article. I’d published one the day before and my process is to decide on the next one the day after. What did I come up with yesterday morning?

Squat. Nothing. Nada.

I looked at my notes where I write my ideas for articles. Nothing popped. So I stared out the window for far too long looking for inspiration. An idea. Anything. And I got…bupkis.

So how did this great spiritual victory arise from this lackluster, unproductive ‘writing’ session? It’s what happened after I rose from my chair, threw in the towel and went on with my day.

My writing schedule

First, a little background. I usually write from 9 a.m. until 12:30 or 1. Then I workout, have lunch, read, nap then get back to writing around 3:30 or 4 and go until dinnertime.

Normally, a frustrating writing session results in a mood decline. I chose those two words carefully. Because it’s not like I fall into some deep depression every time I have a bad writing session. I just have a little less pep in my step. I get a little shorter with people.

This has been the case for a long time. I wrote in Hollywood for fifteen years and this same thing happened when I hit an unproductive patch.

Looking at this from a more developed spiritual perspective, I understand better where this comes from. For those of you not familiar with my history, I grew up in an ultra-successful family, the sixth of six incredibly smart and talented kids.

Future president of the United States

My dad was a Type A+ CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I remember countless times when I’d go in to say goodnight to him and he’d say, “Do you realize that you could be president of the United States someday?” And this was when I was six or seven years old! Suffice to say that traditional success, the American version, was imprinted in my brain from my earliest days.

So what the heck does any of this have to do with the issue at hand? When I have an unproductive day on the writing front, somewhere deep in the recesses of my egoic mind that seven year old kid is feeling badly that he’s not measuring up.

Making myself feel badly…so I can feel good again

What I’ve done for too many years is when I’m not productive (which my insides translate as ‘successful’) I purposely make myself feel badly. Why? Well, in a sick way, it makes sense. Making myself feel badly gives me a perverse incentive to turn things around and become productive. I set up a system where I reward myself with feeling good once I get writing again.

The good news is I’ve been working hard on this core issue of mine dealing with productivity and success. How? By trying to notice when those feelings of inadequacy arise…when they arise. Which is hard. Why? Because this issue has been so pervasive for so long that it’s hard to catch when it happens…because it happens so much.

Anyway, so the work has been in noticing when these feelings arise, then relaxing, leaning away and letting them go.

Which brings us full circle to yesterday when I got up after my unproductive morning to go workout. It was a nice, hot day here in Southern California, ideal weather for my bike workout.

My light bulb moment

As I was walking away from my desk, something clicked inside me. I can’t describe it any better than that. It was like a light turning on. And a combination thought and feeling came over me that said,

“I got nothing done this morning, but I’m NOT going to feel badly about it. It’s gorgeous outside and I’m going to go on a fun ride.”

That thought led to a stream of further thought/feelings about the fact that I have a ton going for me in life. An amazing family with three healthy, fantastic kids. A wife and marriage that I wouldn’t trade for anybody. Good health. A career centered on writing and teaching about stuff that I value deeply. And on and on and on.

Punishing ourselves accomplishes nothing

It felt so good! And it dawned on me: I don’t have to make myself feel badly in order to be productive. Punishing myself doesn’t help the process. It doesn’t unlock the door to some fount of creative genius.

Bottom line: I left my office feeling better than if I’d come up with ten great article ideas. It felt like a big rock that I had been holding down in my ‘lower self stream’ had sprung loose and drifted away, resulting in that trapped energy flowing up.

The cherry on top is that, as I was off on my bike ride, beaming from this wonderful spiritual experience, it hits me: What a great idea for an article!

The takeaway

So that was my spiritual ‘victory.’ Now let’s turn to what that means for you.

First, I hope the example of my breakthrough shows you that this work works. The continual awareness of, and letting go of, our egoic baggage pays dividends.

Second, do yourself a favor and look at my example as incentive to take stock of your own core issue situation. Have you struggled with weight/body image, feeling generally unlovable, not smart enough, not feeling successful enough (I can help you with this one!) or some other emotional albatross?

For most of us, that core issue is pretty darn obvious to identify. Why? Because it rules over a huge hunk of our lives in the form of career decisions, marriage partner decisions and hundreds of used Kleenex tissues at the therapist’s office.

Once identified, take the enormously important step of simply making yourself aware when that issue rears its head during your day. Then start relaxing with it and leaning away. And just watch it. Don’t yell at it or moan and groan about it. Just watch it. And let it go.

This yoga work, as Mickey Singer reminds us, happens on a deep, deep level. So we can’t control when or how it pays off. It’s not like starting to lift weights where you know you will see bigger biceps and pecs after only a few weeks of training.

My noticing, relaxing, leaning away and watching work resulted in a wonderful energy release a few days ago. You won’t know when it will happen for you. You just need to trust that it will. And be patient.

Keep trekking, my friends…

A major reason many people, especially Westerners, find spiritual work so difficult and frustrating is because they misunderstand the fundamental nature of that work. What is the nature of that work?

First, let me get specific about what I mean by spiritual work. For our purposes, let’s define that as regularly practicing meditation and mindfulness and a focus on letting go of our egoic selves. We could add Yoga, chanting and all sorts of other practices as well.

It’s an art not a science

The fundamental misunderstanding most people make lies in treating spiritual work as a science and not as an art. What does that mean? Working in the arts requires subtlety and nuance. When I wrote scripts in Hollywood, I couldn’t force myself to write good dialogue. I had to sit quietly and listen.And be patient. The artistic process requires giving up significant control and trusting the process.

Science, on the other hand, is about formulas and a rigid, methodical approach to work. It requires mostly linear thinking. Do A then B then C then D then observe what that produces.

What this all boils down to is trying versus not trying. And therein lies the rub for spiritual work. Because at the heart of spiritual work is this paradoxical truth: We have to try, but not try too hard.

The Wall Street meditator

Let’s take a look at meditation to see how this plays out. Pursuing a Wall Street, take-no-prisoners, investment banker’s approach to meditation would mean sitting down, closing our eyes and saying to ourselves, “Alright, let’s kick some ass, baby! Thoughts, you’re going down! I am going to WILL myself to keep 100% of my attention on my breathing at ALL times…Aaaaaand GO!” At which point they’re so keyed up and tense that the thoughts pour forward like water over Niagara Falls.

That’s a hyperbolic example, but it does cut to the truth of why Westerners especially find meditation so difficult. Our culture teaches us to dive in and attack our work. To think our way through obstacles. To be aggressive, persistent and energetic in pursuing our goals.

Spiritual work is the exact opposite. It requires quieting our thinking minds. We close our eyes and the only thing we do is observe, nonjudgmentally, what is happening in the present moment. Sounds, breathing, bodily sensations…anything in our field of awareness. What we don’t do is try to stop our thoughts. We merely observe those thoughts when they arise then let them pass.

Try, but not too hard

The kicker is that while we can’t try too hard in our spiritual work, we do have to try…just not too hard. For instance, if we sit down to meditate with no intention at all and just let everything fly, we’ll end up in a thought haze for the duration of our session.

So there definitely is some level of trying involved in corralling our attention on our breathing, for example. But not too much.

The same was true for me while writing scripts. The trying came in the form of getting my butt in the chair, outlining a story, figuring out plot points and many other actions requiring thought involved in the craft of writing. But the art of writing, the real gold, always came when I took my hands off the wheel, so to speak.

The takeaway

So what’s the point of all this? It’s simple. Unless this fundamental concept of trying, but not trying too hard, is both understood and embraced, one’s spiritual work is likely to be rife with frustration and lack of progress.

The obvious irony here is that the approach to the work, subtlety and nuance over rigidity and forcing, is the work. It’s about parking our egos at the door in furtherance of practicing…parking our egos at the door. All in furtherance of diminishing the role our egos play in the daily living of our lives.

Is the hard work of striking this balance between trying, but not too hard, worth the effort? Only if you value peace of mind and becoming better at everything you do…

Ram Dass met his guru, Neem Karoli Baba, in 1967 in northeastern India. That chance encounter changed his life from that day forward and, if you’ve benefited from Ram Dass’s teachings, it changed yours, too.

This piece is specifically about one thing Baba said over and over, usually out of the blue, to Ram Dass and many other of his followers. He would say two Hindi words:

“Sub ek.”

The English translation is “All one.”All one. What does that mean?

Maharajii, a higher being

Before answering that, it’s worth relating a little more about who Neem Karoli Baba was. Maharajii, as he was known by his devotees, was a higher being, for lack of a more eloquent phrase. Because I plan to write a full article about Maharajii, I don’t want to spend too much space describing him now.

Suffice to say that he operated on a different plane. How? One way that manifested is that he had special powers, known in Sanskrit as siddhis. Please know that for me to write that last sentence means something because I have always been a rational, fact-based skeptic. But there are literally hundreds of stories, many from Ram Dass himself, of Maharajii knowing or doing things that defy logical explanation.

Here is just one small example of what I mean. Ram Dass went alone on a twelve hour bus trip from the temple to Delhi to work on a visa issue he had.

Ram Dass’s biscuit splurge

After resolving the matter he went out to eat. He’d been on a strict vegetarian diet and had lost sixty pounds, but decided that he was going to splurge that night on dinner. He went to a fancy vegetarian restaurant and ordered the deluxe meal. His vice had always been sweets so he got some ice cream with English biscuits for dessert.

A few days after returning to the mountain temple, he saw Maharajii who had been away for six weeks. After being mobbed by everybody because they hadn’t seen him for so long, Maharajii pulled Ram Dass in close and asked, “How did you like the biscuits?”

Again, there are hundreds of these stories told by a diverse group of his followers. For all of these to not be true, Maharajii would have to have been the most talented, hardest working con man in history, something I find virtually impossible after studying him.

By the way, Ram Dass was so moved by all these incidents that he took a few years to track down as many devotees as possible and compiled their stories into a book called Miracle of Love. Definitely worth a read. Here’s a link.

When Maharajii talks, I listen

I relate this about Maharajii because I think it gives his words more weight. As someone who’s got access to a different plane of consciousness, when he says one thing far more than anything else, sub ek, it makes me lean in.

So what is this ‘all one’ thing Maharajii mentioned so often? It means we all come from the same source. Eckhart Tolle calls it the one source. Others would call it simply ‘God.’

Whatever this ‘one thing’ is that we all come from is unknowable to us humans. But I think a highly revealing facet of this entire discussion centers around who senses this ‘oneness’ and who doesn’t.

The awakened sense the oneness

Those that sense it most are those farthest along the spiritual path. People like Ram Dass, Thich Nhat Hanh andMichael Singer. And why is that the case? I think it’s because those people have let go of most, if not all, of their egos. They’ve shed their ‘Michael Singer-ness’ and ‘Thich Nhat Hanh-ness.’

And after they’ve done that, what’s left inside of them is consciousness. Presence. Atman. God. Different people and traditions call it different things, but whatever it is, it’s the same inside all of us.

So if that’s all that’s left inside of, let’s say Thich Nhat Hanh, it makes sense that he would feel this universal connection to all people. The powerful and unobscured consciousness/presence/God in him recognizes that same thing in everybody.

Separateness, the opposite of ‘sub ek’

The converse is also true. Those whose egos still dominate their inner lives, which would be most people, feel a deep sense of separateness from all things. As Eckhart says, they are like a small wave riding on top of the ocean that feels it’s just a small wave and no more. It feels alone, scared and powerless because it doesn’t realize it’s connected to, and a part of, a vast ocean; but it’s not separate at all. And neither are we.

It’s also fascinating that those who’ve had near death experiences talk about feeling that sense of oneness and connectedness to all creation while they were temporarily ‘dead.’ This doesn’t surprise me. It makes sense that when we give up our bodies, and all the egoic baggage that comes with it, we would feel that pure consciousness, that is the same in everybody, most vividly.

The takeaway

So what does all this add up to? What does it mean for us mere mortal spiritual beings who haven’t reached the end point of the path?

Mostly, this ‘sub ek’ serves as incentive for all of us to keep traveling the spiritual path. To remain committed to the daily chopping wood and carrying water involved — meditating, practicing mindfulness and letting go of our egoic selves to the best of our abilities.

Because, from observing those, like Ram Dass, who have traveled far enough that they feel this all one universal dynamic, it’s a truly awesome, liberating, peaceful place to be. This feeling that all beings are interconnected serves to melt away all the animosity, tribalism and ‘separateness’ that has plagued our world for thousands of years.

Maharajii reminds us that this separateness is not the reality of the universe. The reality is…

Sub ek.

Of all the spiritual luminaries I’ve followed over the years, the Dalai Lama sits at the top of what I’d call the “good vibe” category. Listen to him talk or read his writings and one gets the sense of a truly beautiful, compassionate human being.

Don’t get me wrong. There are a slew of others, like Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh and Pope Francis, who exude peace and good will. But for me, the Dalai Lama is numero uno.

In case you didn’t know, the Dalai Lama is the 14th in a succession of Tibetan leaders that goes all the way back to the 14th century. When one Dalai Lama dies it is up to the High Lamas to seek out and find which body the lama has been reincarnated into and make that person the next Dalai Lama.

The current Dalai Lama fled Tibet in 1959 when the Chinese brutalized Tibet with a violent suppression. Ever since, he has worked tirelessly to promote peace and compassion throughout the globe, living mostly in India.

I found the following four quotes of his to be particularly powerful, wise and beautiful. Allow them to seep into your being.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

If I had to pick only one word to describe the Dalai Lama it would be compassionate. It’s no wonder that many of his teachings center on this one word.

And I couldn’t agree more with him that being compassionate makes one happy and also those one shows compassion toward. It’s all about being there for people who need help.

Somewhere in the nexus between compassion and love lies the answer to the secret mysteries of life. It is in those states that is found the heartbeat of the universe. Sorry, but that’s my best shot at expressing it.

“A disciplined mind leads to happiness, and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering.”

I take this to mean that an out of control egoic mind leads to suffering and one that is quieter leads to happiness. Therein lies the basis for all of the spiritual work I do.

How do we discipline our minds? We meditate regularly. We practice mindfulness. And while doing both of those, we work on letting go of ourselves.

It’s the most important work we can do, for ourselves, for those around us and for the world itself.

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”

I love this. This one is all about where the Dalai Lama suggests we put our focus, which is on our inner work. That always comes first.

The Dalai Lama, and others like Eckhart Tolle and Mickey Singer, all say that angry, underdeveloped activists mostly just spread negative energy, whether in saving the whales or holding the corporate world accountable.

People who exemplify the Dalai Lama’s quote would be Martin Luther King and Gandhi. Both of these great leaders achieved monumental success in their benevolent endeavors and one of the main reasons was the awesome strength they derived from their peaceful inner worlds. It gave them a transcendent kind of power to sway both their followers and their adversaries.

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies.My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.

This captures another of the reasons I so admire and respect the Dalai Lama: His eschewing of dogma and tradition in furtherance of pan-spiritual, universal principles. In other words, he doesn’t care if you’re a Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jew or Zoroastrian — all that really matters to him is that you’re kind. If I had a religion, that would be it!

I wish the rest of the religious leaders of the world were the same way. Not caring so much about whether you believe in the Koran or the Bible, but about how you treat others in our one world. As Louis Armstrong said, “What a wonderful world” that would be.

The takeaway

If you haven’t already, check out some of the Dalai Lama’s public appearances. Here is a link to one of them. But go to YouTube and take some time to listen to this great human being. He is a gift to our world.

I listened to an Eckhart Tolle talk recently where he spoke about how to deal with the annoying situations we encounter in our daily lives. Things like waiting at red lights, dealing with bumper-to-bumper traffic, waiting in line at the supermarket checkout, etc. We’ve all been there and done those.

What do Eckhart, Mickey Singer and many others advise us to do in those situations? Get out of our complaining, impatient, egoic minds and return to the present moment.

Looking around at the grocery store

How? While you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, look around. I advocate naming five things you can see. Nike shoes. Jen Aniston on the cover of People. Red bell pepper. Fan on ceiling. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Voila. You’re back in the present moment.

Same when you’re stopped at a red light. Look around. See the sky. The palm trees. The storefronts. People walking on the sidewalk.

What Eckhart advises is that we look at red lights and long lines as opportunities to practice present moment awareness. You may have heard all of this before in other articles and talks by me and countless others.

What’s new in this piece is that I think it makes sense to take it even one step further. And I’ll warn you: What I’m about to write may cause you to curse me and click out of this article. But here goes.

I think we should all LOOK FORWARD to and WELCOME the red lights and the lines at the store.

In other words, when you’re driving along and you see that a light is green, I say we all think to ourselves “Boy, I hope that light goes orange quick so I get to stop at a red light and practice being present.”

For those of you who haven’t clicked over to your Instagram already, I know. That sounds crazy. As someone who has been particularly impatient about these kinds of things my whole life, it sounds even crazier to me.

But it makes total sense if you give it a moment’s thought. Here’s an analogy to crystallize this.

See the red light as your driving range

Let’s say you want to get better at golf. What do you do? You find a driving range where you can practice. You like that driving range because it provides you with the facilities to help you improve at golf.

Red lights and long lines are no different than the driving range. They provide the necessary ‘facilities’ to help you improve your “presence game.”

And we should love those red lights a helluva lot more than the avid golfer loves their practice range. Why? Because there’s nothing more valuable to a human being than becoming more conscious.

Waking up is more important than anything

Golf is great. I enjoy playing. But it is pales in comparison to the profound benefits that come from awakening from our “mind sleep” and becoming present for the moments of our lives. So it makes a bunch of sense that we would welcome anything, like red lights, that offers us the opportunity to get better at being present.

The most important thing is to realize that working on becoming present is the most valuable thing we can do. Because absent that, why would we ever be so crazy as to want to hit a bunch of red lights on the way home from doing errands?

The world would be an infinitely better place if we all came to that realization and acted on it.